me Everything
life~love
Sunday, September 8, 2013
You Can Relate Quotes
If a great outfit gets you one step closer to feeling good about yourself, then it's worth
every penny.
Rachel Roy
I love looking in the mirror and feeling good about what I see.
Heather Morris
As long as you're feeling good with your weight and the way you look, that's what
matters.
Alessandra Ambrosio
"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to
make it worth the effort."
- Herm Albright (1876 - 1944)
If you think sunshine brings you happiness, then you haven't danced in the rain.
Being happy doesn't mean you're perfect. It just means you've decided to look beyond
the imperfections
- K.B Indiana (age 14)
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Show no emotion. Feel no pain
- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
The same girl who laughs and talks a lot and seems very happy is also the girl who
may cry herself to sleep...
"It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that
makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about."
- - Dale Carnegie
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the
best out of everything that comes their way
- Unknown
Just remember... it doesnt matter how long you have known each other.. all that
matters is that he has kept you smiling from day one
- Cassie
everyone wants to be happy and nobody wants to feel pain. but you can't make
rainbows without any rain.
- Unknown
“Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.”
? G.K. Chesterton, Heretics
If you were happy before you knew someone, you can be happy when they're gone.
To be angry is human, but rarely, fair. You may only be angry with the right person, to
the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way.
It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that breaks a relationship.
You've got to DANCE like nobody's watching, LOVE like you'll never be hurt, SING
like nobody's listening, and LIVE like it's heaven on earth.
Whoever is trying to bring you down is already below you.
Be a girl with a mind, a woman with attitude, and a lady with class.
I'm a good enough person to forgive you, but not stupid enough to trust you again.
If you want something you've never had, do something you've never done.
I am only responsible for what I say, and not for what you understand,
Those you help won't remember it and those you hurt won't ever forget it.
Crying is how your body speaks when your mouth can't explain the pain you feel.
It's never the addiction. it's always the addict.
If two past LOVERS can Remain FRIENDS, it's either they are Still in Love, or
Never were.
the Happiest person is the Prettiest
No Deception, No Success
I know “Everything Happens for a Reason”, but sometimes I just wish I knew what
that “Reason” was.
It isn't the GoodByes that hurt, as much as the FlashBacks that follow.
When A Friend Does Something Wrong, Don't Forget All The Things They Did Right.
If we wait until we are ready, we will be waiting for the rest of our lives.
Do you believe in “Love at First Sight”, or should I walk by again?
I never wanted to be your Whole Life ... just your Favorite Part !
I don't Argue with Idiots. They will just Lower me to their level then Beat me with
Experience.
I Cheated on my Fears,
Broke up with my Doubts,
got Engaged to my Faith
and now I’m Marrying my Dreams.
Nice Words are not always True, and True Words are not always Nice.
Fake friends believe in Rumors. Real friends believe in You.
Cutting too many Corners, might leave you Going around in Circles.
Don’t Be Trendy. Have A Style.
It’s OK not to be OK … but not all the time.
The Art of Sales taught me that Life’s a Pitch.
Excuse me ... here's your Nose ... I found it in My Business ... again ...
Excuse me ... here's your Nose ... I found it in My Business ... again ...
Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder, … and so are Ugliness, Disgust, Hatred, Anger,
Sadness, Fear, Happiness, Intelligence, Love, Acceptance, Strength …
Never apologize for what you feel. It's like saying sorry for being real.
You don’t need to attend to, every Argument, you are “invited” to.
The "Forbidden" has a certain Charm, that is Irresistibly Desirable.
If you don't risk Much, you risk even More.
I’m not perfect, but I’m sure worth it.
You will get what you want, when you stop making excuses on why you don’t have it.
Live every moment, love every day, cause before you know it, precious time slips
away.
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to
make sure the old year leaves.
Drunken words are sober thoughts.
“This isn't fat, it’s muscle waiting to happen”
Keep in mind that everyone around you is, Afraid of something, Loves something, and
has Lost something.
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.
People get FAKE, when Things get REAL !!!
Watch your Actions … you’re not up to my Reactions
Reality Check - Some things are just never meant to be, no matter how much we wish
they were.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm.
Rare is OverRated.
Words may sting, but silence is what breaks the heart.
Quotes get you through, when no one gets what you’re going through.
... If you don't ask, the answer is always no ...
Keep your words short and sweet, because you never know which ones you will have
to eat.
The jealous knows nothing, suspects much, and fears everything.
Better late than never ... but never late is better.
You have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.
It’s not the years in your life that count; it's the LIFE in your years.
If you need space, join NASA ... Honey !
Backstabbers are only strong when they are behind you.
There’s only one person that makes me happy and that’s you.
I hate fighting with the one person who makes me smile the most.
Relationships where you can just chill at each other’s house, make each other laugh,
cuddle, take pics, & tell each other everything.
The last ten minutes of a really boring class while you have to pee are the longest ten
minutes of your life.
Those moments when you can’t find a decent outfit.
Be willing to take a chance, because you never know how perfect something could
turn out to be.
I’m cold, let’s cuddle.
If a girl texts you first, you better feel special.
Old couples make you realize someone can love you forever.
Boys lie more, but girls lie better.
When a girl says “have fun” to a boy, It usually means: “Have a fucking horrible
time.”
You won’t miss me, until I’m gone.
Just because I’m not talking, doesn’t mean I’m in a bad mood. Sometimes I just like to
be quiet.
While you are wishing to be someone else, someone somewhere is wishing to be you.
Appreciate your life.
It’s always nice to have someone in your life that makes you smile even when they’re
not around.
It seems like everyone wants to be taken, but nobody wants to be faithful.
I’m insecure, I break things, I don’t have the latest fashion, I don’t have perfect hair, I
make mistakes but that’s just me.
Did you realize that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be
home in five minutes” are exactly the same?
wish we could just fast forward to summer.
I’m not a one in a million kind of girl. I’m a once in a lifetime kind of woman.
So many friendships end with “We just stopped talking.”
We don’t remember days, we remember moments.
I’m sorry for talking while you were interrupting.
When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand chocolate.
Forget about Romeo and Juliet, forget about Edward and Bella, the perfect love story I
want to make is our own, You and I.
Before you judge how I live my life, I suggest you take a good look at your own.
Life only comes around once, so do whatever makes you happy, and be with whoever
makes you smile.
Never make a permanent choice because of a temporary feeling.
I’m not insulting you… I’m describing you.
Don’t ever expect me to come halfway if you ain’t ready to take the other.
Never lie to the person you love. Its not worth it and they don’t deserve it.
Be amazing. Be good. Be pretty. Be strong. Be smart. Be cool. But the most
important thing is, be yourself.
Before I die, I would like to fall in love accidentally.
I love you more than yesterday, less than tomorrow.
God gives, no more than we can handle and no less than we deserve.
“He was a mystery to her, and every time she tried to solve him it caused her a little
more pain. But when she tired to give him up he pursued her in her thoughts, stronger
each time.”
? Anna Godbersen, Envy
Love just looks so much better, only when you’re not the victim.
Don’t feel sad over someone who gave up on you, feel sorry for them because they
gave up on someone who would have never given up on them.
Never let a man define who you are.
I hate it when I’m trying to be friendly to someone, but they give me attitude for no
reason at all.
I hate people who like to act that they’re feeling down just to attract people’s attention.
That lonely moment when the only text message you get all day is from your cell
phone company.
You know he loves you when someone else makes you laugh, and he smiles just for
the fact that you’re laughing.
Behind every beautiful girl is the ugly relationship that made her scared to love again.
Yes, I miss you badly. No, I’m not texting you first.
When a girl says she doesn’t care, she usually does.
Anyone can make you smile, and many others can make you cry, but it takes someone
really special to make you smile with tears in your eyes.
I’ve got a lot of patience, but I could only handle so much.
I want you all to myself.
She’s jealous because she thinks you’ll replace her.
It seems like people always want the truth, but never want to be honest.
Life is a constant battle between my love of food not wanting to get fat.
I don’t have a type. if I like you, I like you.
You call it lazy, But I call it selective participation.
Once you’ve been hurt once, you get scared to get attached again because you think everyone you love afterwards will hurt you.
Sometimes the questions are complicated, but the answers are simple.
I’m difficult, but I promise I’m worth it.
Sleeping is nice because youre not actually dead and youre not awake so its a win-win situation
That awkward moment when you have to stare at a text for five minutes to figure out how to reply.
The worst feeling is when someone makes you feel special, then suddenly leaves you hanging, and you have to act like you don’t care at all.
Trust takes years to earn but just a second to break.
I believe in the freedom of the open road.
The awkward moment when you’re pretending you’re talking to someone on the phone and then it rings.
I wish I could record my dreams and watch them later.
I want a guy who promises me nothing, but tries to give me everything.
Be careful who you fucking trust.
Leggings with no ass is like a wallet with no cash.
Never give permanent feelings to a temporary person.
People change after getting hurt
Feelings change, memories don’t.
I miss spending time with you. I miss when we laughed together. I miss hugging & I miss cuddling. I miss you.
My level of maturity changes depending on who I’m around
Games will be played, hearts will be broken, tears will fall, people will change and rumors will be spread. But life will always go on.
A real boyfriend knows his girl like the back of his hand. He knows when she’s mad, sad, aggravated, happy, hurt, because that’s his girl.
"A woman’s heart is an ocean of secrets." - Titanic
Life is not worth living without family." - A Thousand Words
I will never regret being with you… because once upon a time, you were exactly what I needed.
I hate when someone tells you they miss you but they don’t actually put in the effort to see you…
Playing with your phone when waiting for someone so you don’t look stupid.
Don’t make a big deal out of things, and stop causing your own pain. Happiness is a choice.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
The Longest Trip Home
My mother died on the 6th of January 2012. 5 days after I left on New Year's day.
My cousin, Kenny, called me 6:00 in the morning to deliver the news.
I was still tired and sleepy as I picked up my old phone. The number appeared unregistered, so I asked who it was when I answered but I immediately recognized the voice. His voice was so slow and my guts told me that something really happened back home. I was expecting a call from him if something happened at home, like mom's death. From his voice I could already tell his news even if hadn't spilled it yet.
My mind was like, I knew it. I saw it coming. I only told him okay and he further discuss what I should do but his words did penetrate in my head. I ended the call and sat and lie in bed. And slowly it sank in me. I hugged my pillow tightly, I held my breath afraid to let a sob be heard. And one thing cross my mind, "Wa nakoy mama" "I have no mother". And I wept. My Aunt, her sister, called me numerous time before I left for work but I chose to ignore all her incoming calls. I ate breakfast. Went to my morning job and did not bother to tell anybody about my situation. It was nauseating to be working with such needles pinching my heart. I was floating the whole day and was not in the mood for a good class with my students. Luckily it was my rest day at my poor work at Bloom Partner's Inc. I was scheduled to met my brother that day, too.
After work, I headed downtown to met my brother. Still, I did not tell him about mom's death, because I want him to go home and discovered it for himself. I looked at him and imagined his reaction when he'll know about it. After dinner and giving him money, I went home with a very heavy heart, I thought I might pass out along the streets.
I sent a text message to my best friend, Ayen, she was the first to know about my mom's death. She asked when I will go home and what I will do, and I told her to keep it a secret from the others still, I'll find the right time to tell them.
Because I did not know what to do and my mind was somewhere far from my senses, I did not go home immediately. Yes! I'm a useless daughter! I admit that! It was my first encounter with death in the family so I can't help but feel useless and ignorant and lost!
I slept and still managed to go to my part-time and poor work at Bloom Partner's Inc. When I arrived I talked with my Team leader, Bea, about the situation I am in, I cried. She opened a conference room so we can talk in private. She insisted that I should leave right away but I strongly opposed and decided to stay. We decided to tell the supervisor present at that day and we came up with the decision that I'll be absent for several days to give myself time to mourn.
On the same day, my brother went home and went immediately back to the city. He already found out and was not able to control the situation so he roughly decided to go back. I told her that on the following day, we will go home together. The following day was also mom's burial.
I also, finally, decided, to send a text message to my aunt, saying that we will be home the next day. She replied that it could have been better if we could be home right then but I did not reply anymore.
The sad thing is we hadn't got any time to do a vigil. Because I was scared.
I did not sleep well Saturday night and I just waited for the crack of dawn. I prepared some things to bring. I did not even take a shower. I just tied my hair, rode on a cab to the terminal and met my brother there. We left the city around 7:00 in the morning. I look terrible.
My heart was beating fast and I felt so down that breathing came in so heavy. I haven't decided if Ill stay for the night.
Along the way, many, many things crossed my mind, scenes of our arrival, the people I will see, the family I've grown to hate and love at the same time, the face of my mom inside the coffin and etc. I remembered past events in our lives together. I counted the years that we've been together. The countless times we had cold-wars. Just everything that my memory can offer me while I was sitting uncomfortably at the buses seat.
Mixed emotions it was that I felt. Sadness, guilt, pride, anger, sorrow, grief rolled into one and I could not help but let tears rolled down my cheeks. Time seemed to pass by so slow, it was killing me, the longer it takes and the closer we were makes my heart even heavier.
The judgement time came close as we arrived at our hometown. I dared not look into people's faces afraid that they might recognized me. We went uphill, directly to my aunt's house where my mom's body was laid before the burial later at 1:00 in the afternoon. God knows how much strength it takes for me to move every step closer to our destination. Along the way, we met our ReEd teacher in high school. He greeted us and extended his thoughts and condolences to us. he was glad that we were home in time for the burial. After the brief encounter, we continue to the house.
I'm not quite sure if I heard shouts but I hear someone announced our arrival. We walked slowly since it was also muddy. I hate mud. Upon seeing the coffin, I could not tell what exactly I felt. As we approached nearer, we first showed our respect to the elders and aunt told us to look at the coffin first. I breath in and took all the courage and strength left in me to approach my mom's death bed. There lay my mom, white from the make-up. The coffin was small, which explains her thinness underneath the pieces of clothes she's wearing. Her face was hollow, somehow the make-up brought color to her deathly face. I cried. A shallow cry from the depths of my hurting soul. I do not what to do, I stand there with my mother, with one relative hugging my brother. My brother's way stiff. I know he had mustered every courage and strength he had to spare him from crying. He has his reasons and I respect that.
We arrived at around 10:00 in the morning. So, more or less, we had 2 or 3 hours to prepare. That gives our relatives time to talk and entertain us, you know, just to make the atmosphere lighter.
Our grandparents were not there yet, they were in the store, so aunt had to call them saying that we had arrived. They immediately went there. When grandmother saw me she was teary-eyed but I stopped her, I told her not to cry because I hate seeing such reaction.
So, noon came. People were arriving to join us with the burial. People, neighbors I know but I just don't care. My mind was saying, I just want this to be over. Some people walk their way to the church, my aunt included. But, me an my brother, we rode on the car.
In the church, I was chosen to read the 2nd reading, I did not felt nervous because I'm gonna read in front of many people, there was another dead person in that mass too, aside from mom, but because its in Cebuano language which I'm born by tongue but rarely practice most especially because I'm an English teacher.
After the mass, the walk to the cemetery came next. As a last thing I could do for mom, I walked all the way to the cemetery with my aunt and other relatives and mom's friends and acquaintances, My grandparents and brother rode on the car. I keep my head low while walking, I'm avoiding people's eyes, I don't wanna see their reactions, I just hate it.
I looked back and saw my mom's high school friends. Somehow these people cared for her until her last days and it made me happy.
I didn't cry as aunt close the casket, I was hurt the way she said goodbye as she closed it. It sound inappropriate. Well, its done.
We stayed for like an hour, talking and waiting to close the grave, we ate the snacks prepared and after a while we went back home and bid our farewell. My brother didn't want to skip classes and I don't wanna mourn their. So, we decided to head right away back to the city.
I did not cry but it doesn't mean I'm not hurting. On the way back to the city, as the sun began to set in the sky and the chilly wind started to make me feel cold, my tears slowly fell from my eyes, barely noticeable.
I am in grief yet I refused to mourn. Because I don't know how it's supposed to be.
Every single day I think about mom and it hurts me that I was not able to say goodbye. It hurts me that I failed to served and thanked her for everything she gave to me. I feel guilty that I let her feel valueless even on her dying days. I was not there to support her, comfort her and take care of her. Now, I can attest to the saying, that you'll never know the value of one person, unless they're gone.
I will forever think of her and how sorry I am for all my faults and in-sensitiveness. I could never turn back time and all i can do is to think of her happy days when we're together.
Ma, I'm so sorry, I took you for granted. Wherever you are right now, I hope you are happy. I hope you had found in your heart to forgive my brother and I hope that he too can forgive you for your flaws. Look upon us. Rest in peace Ma. One day, we'll meet again. On that day I'll be able to tell you how grateful I am because you're my mom. I will never forget you. I miss you so much~ I love you.
My cousin, Kenny, called me 6:00 in the morning to deliver the news.
I was still tired and sleepy as I picked up my old phone. The number appeared unregistered, so I asked who it was when I answered but I immediately recognized the voice. His voice was so slow and my guts told me that something really happened back home. I was expecting a call from him if something happened at home, like mom's death. From his voice I could already tell his news even if hadn't spilled it yet.
My mind was like, I knew it. I saw it coming. I only told him okay and he further discuss what I should do but his words did penetrate in my head. I ended the call and sat and lie in bed. And slowly it sank in me. I hugged my pillow tightly, I held my breath afraid to let a sob be heard. And one thing cross my mind, "Wa nakoy mama" "I have no mother". And I wept. My Aunt, her sister, called me numerous time before I left for work but I chose to ignore all her incoming calls. I ate breakfast. Went to my morning job and did not bother to tell anybody about my situation. It was nauseating to be working with such needles pinching my heart. I was floating the whole day and was not in the mood for a good class with my students. Luckily it was my rest day at my poor work at Bloom Partner's Inc. I was scheduled to met my brother that day, too.
After work, I headed downtown to met my brother. Still, I did not tell him about mom's death, because I want him to go home and discovered it for himself. I looked at him and imagined his reaction when he'll know about it. After dinner and giving him money, I went home with a very heavy heart, I thought I might pass out along the streets.
I sent a text message to my best friend, Ayen, she was the first to know about my mom's death. She asked when I will go home and what I will do, and I told her to keep it a secret from the others still, I'll find the right time to tell them.
Because I did not know what to do and my mind was somewhere far from my senses, I did not go home immediately. Yes! I'm a useless daughter! I admit that! It was my first encounter with death in the family so I can't help but feel useless and ignorant and lost!
I slept and still managed to go to my part-time and poor work at Bloom Partner's Inc. When I arrived I talked with my Team leader, Bea, about the situation I am in, I cried. She opened a conference room so we can talk in private. She insisted that I should leave right away but I strongly opposed and decided to stay. We decided to tell the supervisor present at that day and we came up with the decision that I'll be absent for several days to give myself time to mourn.
On the same day, my brother went home and went immediately back to the city. He already found out and was not able to control the situation so he roughly decided to go back. I told her that on the following day, we will go home together. The following day was also mom's burial.
I also, finally, decided, to send a text message to my aunt, saying that we will be home the next day. She replied that it could have been better if we could be home right then but I did not reply anymore.
The sad thing is we hadn't got any time to do a vigil. Because I was scared.
I did not sleep well Saturday night and I just waited for the crack of dawn. I prepared some things to bring. I did not even take a shower. I just tied my hair, rode on a cab to the terminal and met my brother there. We left the city around 7:00 in the morning. I look terrible.
My heart was beating fast and I felt so down that breathing came in so heavy. I haven't decided if Ill stay for the night.
Along the way, many, many things crossed my mind, scenes of our arrival, the people I will see, the family I've grown to hate and love at the same time, the face of my mom inside the coffin and etc. I remembered past events in our lives together. I counted the years that we've been together. The countless times we had cold-wars. Just everything that my memory can offer me while I was sitting uncomfortably at the buses seat.
Mixed emotions it was that I felt. Sadness, guilt, pride, anger, sorrow, grief rolled into one and I could not help but let tears rolled down my cheeks. Time seemed to pass by so slow, it was killing me, the longer it takes and the closer we were makes my heart even heavier.
The judgement time came close as we arrived at our hometown. I dared not look into people's faces afraid that they might recognized me. We went uphill, directly to my aunt's house where my mom's body was laid before the burial later at 1:00 in the afternoon. God knows how much strength it takes for me to move every step closer to our destination. Along the way, we met our ReEd teacher in high school. He greeted us and extended his thoughts and condolences to us. he was glad that we were home in time for the burial. After the brief encounter, we continue to the house.
I'm not quite sure if I heard shouts but I hear someone announced our arrival. We walked slowly since it was also muddy. I hate mud. Upon seeing the coffin, I could not tell what exactly I felt. As we approached nearer, we first showed our respect to the elders and aunt told us to look at the coffin first. I breath in and took all the courage and strength left in me to approach my mom's death bed. There lay my mom, white from the make-up. The coffin was small, which explains her thinness underneath the pieces of clothes she's wearing. Her face was hollow, somehow the make-up brought color to her deathly face. I cried. A shallow cry from the depths of my hurting soul. I do not what to do, I stand there with my mother, with one relative hugging my brother. My brother's way stiff. I know he had mustered every courage and strength he had to spare him from crying. He has his reasons and I respect that.
We arrived at around 10:00 in the morning. So, more or less, we had 2 or 3 hours to prepare. That gives our relatives time to talk and entertain us, you know, just to make the atmosphere lighter.
Our grandparents were not there yet, they were in the store, so aunt had to call them saying that we had arrived. They immediately went there. When grandmother saw me she was teary-eyed but I stopped her, I told her not to cry because I hate seeing such reaction.
So, noon came. People were arriving to join us with the burial. People, neighbors I know but I just don't care. My mind was saying, I just want this to be over. Some people walk their way to the church, my aunt included. But, me an my brother, we rode on the car.
In the church, I was chosen to read the 2nd reading, I did not felt nervous because I'm gonna read in front of many people, there was another dead person in that mass too, aside from mom, but because its in Cebuano language which I'm born by tongue but rarely practice most especially because I'm an English teacher.
After the mass, the walk to the cemetery came next. As a last thing I could do for mom, I walked all the way to the cemetery with my aunt and other relatives and mom's friends and acquaintances, My grandparents and brother rode on the car. I keep my head low while walking, I'm avoiding people's eyes, I don't wanna see their reactions, I just hate it.
I looked back and saw my mom's high school friends. Somehow these people cared for her until her last days and it made me happy.
I didn't cry as aunt close the casket, I was hurt the way she said goodbye as she closed it. It sound inappropriate. Well, its done.
We stayed for like an hour, talking and waiting to close the grave, we ate the snacks prepared and after a while we went back home and bid our farewell. My brother didn't want to skip classes and I don't wanna mourn their. So, we decided to head right away back to the city.
I did not cry but it doesn't mean I'm not hurting. On the way back to the city, as the sun began to set in the sky and the chilly wind started to make me feel cold, my tears slowly fell from my eyes, barely noticeable.
I am in grief yet I refused to mourn. Because I don't know how it's supposed to be.
Every single day I think about mom and it hurts me that I was not able to say goodbye. It hurts me that I failed to served and thanked her for everything she gave to me. I feel guilty that I let her feel valueless even on her dying days. I was not there to support her, comfort her and take care of her. Now, I can attest to the saying, that you'll never know the value of one person, unless they're gone.
I will forever think of her and how sorry I am for all my faults and in-sensitiveness. I could never turn back time and all i can do is to think of her happy days when we're together.
Ma, I'm so sorry, I took you for granted. Wherever you are right now, I hope you are happy. I hope you had found in your heart to forgive my brother and I hope that he too can forgive you for your flaws. Look upon us. Rest in peace Ma. One day, we'll meet again. On that day I'll be able to tell you how grateful I am because you're my mom. I will never forget you. I miss you so much~ I love you.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
I love my Mama Odette
No words can best describe the pain a daughter feels for not seeing her mom fight for her life, the pain when there were no last words, no goodbyes. She left us with nothing, that's totally okay but leaving us like this is a memory I will forever remember everyday.
I was pretending to be so busy with my poor work at Bloom Partners Inc. that I didn't went home Christmas of 2011. I promised to be home by New Year's eve and I did only to find out my mother was already bedridden. My heart sank upon seeing her lithe figure, totally bone-thin. I dared not look at her for too long. I could not even remember now if I took her hand and showed my respect. All I can remember was my mind shouting loudly to my ears, "She'll be fine soon", it sounds more of a lie than self-comforting words. I remember I called her and she responded, I tried to make a calm reply but my voice trembled. Instead, I put my bags down, went out and sit down on my grandmother's store, catching my breath. I was looking through oblivion as my grandfather came to sit on the old rocking chair opposite me. He was the one who opened the gate as I arrived as early as 7 am in the morning. I was wondering why they were still closed at that time and I had an inkling feeling that something's really not right, and I was right.
The shock was numbing. The denial was, I thought, easy to cope. I cannot speak- I cannot utter a word. So many things were running in my head, "Why is this happening?!" "What am I supposed to do?" "How are we gonna celebrate New Year?" I felt cold, I could not move my mouth, I felt dizzy, lost, emotionless. My grandfather continued speaking and all I did is take in all his words and sometimes I had to think twice if I was really hearing the correct words from him, I simply was not thinking straight, how can I? When my ears are trying to listen to my mom moaning in pain. And in my head it was a moan of DEATH, the five letter word I'm so hesitant to talk about.
My grandfather then started to tell me what had happened that cause my mom to lay ill in bed. My mom, for the last 5 days, right after Christmas, was already suffering from the intolerable pain that the Long Bar scoliosis brought to her young life. Her back was clearly shaped in "S". I learned later in the evening, as I talked with my brother, that maybe what puts her in the situation was the accident when she slipped on the stairs while going to our room upstairs. He said that after that she crawled up the stairs just so she can get to the bedroom. Grandfather said that she still forced herself to move and do her daily chores until she could not take it any longer and call upon my grandfather for assistance. He said that the moan was because of too much pain. My mother had suffered unendurable pain during these days and my grandfather decided to transfer her bed in the living room to make it a lot easier for her. He also discovered that my mom had troubles in peeing and that most of the times she peed on the floor because she can't stand up easily anymore. That's the time that my mom started wearing adult diapers.
Grandfather continued talking, I really tried not to listen because I don't wanna cry. Actually, I couldn't cry that time because I couldn't tell any relevant emotions that would best describe how I felt, just NUMB. But these words struck me the most, the words of a hurting father that is in too much pain upon seeing her youngest daughter on the crossroads of death, "Sakit kaayo para nako tan-awon, nga mas ma-una pa ug kamatay akong anak, kay dapat ang mga ginikanan man ang una mangamatay" "It's so painful for me to see that my child will have to die first, usually, it's the parents who die first". These were the words that hit me like a knife right then. I never expected to hear those words from grandfather, who, all the time, engaged in word-fights with mom. I grew up without a father, so, this leaves a deep impact on me. He then told me how he took care of my mom, giving her food, assisting her, making her drink medicine. The other painful story he has to tell were consoling words, like preparing myself for the worse, because the worst has yet to come. He sounds so sure that in no time mom will be taken away from us.
It was almost a couple of hours, and all I did was sit, stare, nod, sit,. stare nod until I muster the courage to go inside and greet my mom. This time she was already in the dining area. Sitting with her head resting on the peak of the back rest of the old metal chair, eyes closed, moaning slowly and breathing hard. I approached her slowly taking all in my mind what a dreary picture I see of her. The mom I used to have cold-war often, the mom who listens to my story as I arrived from the city, the mom who waits excitedly for the return of her daughter with presents, her smiles, the mom I pictured was no longer there. She was replaced by a tiny figure, with long greasy grey hair, a hollow face and hollow eyes. I called her, I tried to be brave, I take her bony hand in mine and brought it to my forehead. When she talked, she was catching her breath. It scared me, cause I can feel that the bones in her back are squeezing her heart making it difficult for her to speak. I've researched the illness and the harm it does to people, like my mom, if not treated, that's where my knowledge comes in. We talked for a while, no not a while, just a bit, just to let her see me. I told her to stay put and I'll just do something in the kitchen. But. the truth is, I can't stand seeing her move and accompanied by a painful moan, rather, shout, I just want her to sit like that.
I left her, I went to the store, I find comfort sitting on the old rocking chair still deep in my thoughts. Indeed, I was useless. I couldn't do anything. I have no money and all I wanted that time was to disappear. I wanted to go back to the city, I wanted to run and forget everything I saw. But I was there, and there's no turning back. I told myself that I'll return to the city at the crack of dawn on New Year's day. It was my final decision.
December 31, 2011 was the longest day of my life. After the decision I made. I decided to take a nap before doing something else. Yes, I still managed to take a nap, my eyes closed but my mind so far away, filled with scary and gloomy thoughts of what might soon to happen. I passed by her, told her I'd be taking a nap. I'm a light sleeper, I tried to listen to music so I cannot hear her moans, but as I decided to stop listening after a few hours, I heard her call my name. I went down and asked why, she asked me to ask grandmother if someone's looking for her. As I asked grandmother. She told me it was her high school friend, the one who funded her expensive check-up not so long ago. My temper aroused when she insisted on going out to met her friend.
And it happened, I changed her diaper, I wanted to yell at her and she was still able to make a joke out of it. Me changing an adult her diaper which should have been me changing the diaper of my child. LAME! but I couldn't be angry! I changed her clothes, too. I told her to stay and I will send someone to tell her friend to come at our house instead of her going. But as stubborn as I was, she did go. I let her and I didn't bother helping. I went to my bedroom and sleep until she returned. I just went down when it was already dark. By that time she was preparing to sleep. I went to the kitchen, get the stuff I brought from the city and started cooking. I talked with my brother. I talked with my grandmother who was lighthearted but with the deepest unexplainable pain in her eyes.
The night went by, we ate, while my mom was trying to doze off, constantly moaning in pain and breathing heavily. Grandfather added that he had many sleepless nights listening to my mom's moan because it scares him, whatever happens while he was fast asleep scares him. After dinner, I went to bed upstairs and will just wait for midnight to come. As midnight came, I went down, listen to my mom's breathing, I, too, was scared. My grandmother handed me a trumpet, it was quarter to midnight. My brother and grandfather were asleep which left me and grandmother to celebrate New Year together. I tried to smile and liven the atmosphere but my heart's too heavy and I felt numb still. After almost an hour, I ate little and decided to go to bed.
As I was lying in bed, I thought of many things which I cannot recall now. I cannot tell if I was able to really sleep but when I woke up I hurriedly pack my things and bid them goodbye. When I approached my mom, she wanted me to pull her legs so she can stand up, maybe she wanted to hug me that time, but I pretended that I cannot pull her, that she was too heavy, partly, it was true because seeing her made me weak. She stop insisting, she even wanted me to call grandfather to pull her, but I told her he was not close, so she gave up, instead I took her hand but I could not reach it well, so I was not able to bid her farewell formally. I was impatient, I wanted to leave the place as soon as possible. Before I could go she said one thing, she wanted me to send her money when I get my salary and I promised myself that I will really send her money.
For all the things I did in that brief stay which was not good makes me regretful today. If only! Yes! I had a feeling that it might be the last time in seeing her but I console myself saying that she's a strong woman and that she will recover from the illness soon. I was thinking, it was not fatal, even if I knew it was.
January 1, 2012 : I left home half-knowing that it might be the last encounter between me and my mother.
On new year's day, I left my mom hurting, in total pain and I did not even let her feel my presence. But on that day, I left with a heavy heart because I am a useless daughter who could not do anything for her dying mother.
Now, how do you think I feel?
All along, I wanted to feel fine. But, I'm not.
The beginning of the year was the last time I saw my mother breathing the same air with me. The last time she held my hands. The last time I saw her pale face. The last time.
The last time I have a mother, the last time she called me. The last time for everything between us.
I was pretending to be so busy with my poor work at Bloom Partners Inc. that I didn't went home Christmas of 2011. I promised to be home by New Year's eve and I did only to find out my mother was already bedridden. My heart sank upon seeing her lithe figure, totally bone-thin. I dared not look at her for too long. I could not even remember now if I took her hand and showed my respect. All I can remember was my mind shouting loudly to my ears, "She'll be fine soon", it sounds more of a lie than self-comforting words. I remember I called her and she responded, I tried to make a calm reply but my voice trembled. Instead, I put my bags down, went out and sit down on my grandmother's store, catching my breath. I was looking through oblivion as my grandfather came to sit on the old rocking chair opposite me. He was the one who opened the gate as I arrived as early as 7 am in the morning. I was wondering why they were still closed at that time and I had an inkling feeling that something's really not right, and I was right.
The shock was numbing. The denial was, I thought, easy to cope. I cannot speak- I cannot utter a word. So many things were running in my head, "Why is this happening?!" "What am I supposed to do?" "How are we gonna celebrate New Year?" I felt cold, I could not move my mouth, I felt dizzy, lost, emotionless. My grandfather continued speaking and all I did is take in all his words and sometimes I had to think twice if I was really hearing the correct words from him, I simply was not thinking straight, how can I? When my ears are trying to listen to my mom moaning in pain. And in my head it was a moan of DEATH, the five letter word I'm so hesitant to talk about.
My grandfather then started to tell me what had happened that cause my mom to lay ill in bed. My mom, for the last 5 days, right after Christmas, was already suffering from the intolerable pain that the Long Bar scoliosis brought to her young life. Her back was clearly shaped in "S". I learned later in the evening, as I talked with my brother, that maybe what puts her in the situation was the accident when she slipped on the stairs while going to our room upstairs. He said that after that she crawled up the stairs just so she can get to the bedroom. Grandfather said that she still forced herself to move and do her daily chores until she could not take it any longer and call upon my grandfather for assistance. He said that the moan was because of too much pain. My mother had suffered unendurable pain during these days and my grandfather decided to transfer her bed in the living room to make it a lot easier for her. He also discovered that my mom had troubles in peeing and that most of the times she peed on the floor because she can't stand up easily anymore. That's the time that my mom started wearing adult diapers.
Grandfather continued talking, I really tried not to listen because I don't wanna cry. Actually, I couldn't cry that time because I couldn't tell any relevant emotions that would best describe how I felt, just NUMB. But these words struck me the most, the words of a hurting father that is in too much pain upon seeing her youngest daughter on the crossroads of death, "Sakit kaayo para nako tan-awon, nga mas ma-una pa ug kamatay akong anak, kay dapat ang mga ginikanan man ang una mangamatay" "It's so painful for me to see that my child will have to die first, usually, it's the parents who die first". These were the words that hit me like a knife right then. I never expected to hear those words from grandfather, who, all the time, engaged in word-fights with mom. I grew up without a father, so, this leaves a deep impact on me. He then told me how he took care of my mom, giving her food, assisting her, making her drink medicine. The other painful story he has to tell were consoling words, like preparing myself for the worse, because the worst has yet to come. He sounds so sure that in no time mom will be taken away from us.
It was almost a couple of hours, and all I did was sit, stare, nod, sit,. stare nod until I muster the courage to go inside and greet my mom. This time she was already in the dining area. Sitting with her head resting on the peak of the back rest of the old metal chair, eyes closed, moaning slowly and breathing hard. I approached her slowly taking all in my mind what a dreary picture I see of her. The mom I used to have cold-war often, the mom who listens to my story as I arrived from the city, the mom who waits excitedly for the return of her daughter with presents, her smiles, the mom I pictured was no longer there. She was replaced by a tiny figure, with long greasy grey hair, a hollow face and hollow eyes. I called her, I tried to be brave, I take her bony hand in mine and brought it to my forehead. When she talked, she was catching her breath. It scared me, cause I can feel that the bones in her back are squeezing her heart making it difficult for her to speak. I've researched the illness and the harm it does to people, like my mom, if not treated, that's where my knowledge comes in. We talked for a while, no not a while, just a bit, just to let her see me. I told her to stay put and I'll just do something in the kitchen. But. the truth is, I can't stand seeing her move and accompanied by a painful moan, rather, shout, I just want her to sit like that.
I left her, I went to the store, I find comfort sitting on the old rocking chair still deep in my thoughts. Indeed, I was useless. I couldn't do anything. I have no money and all I wanted that time was to disappear. I wanted to go back to the city, I wanted to run and forget everything I saw. But I was there, and there's no turning back. I told myself that I'll return to the city at the crack of dawn on New Year's day. It was my final decision.
December 31, 2011 was the longest day of my life. After the decision I made. I decided to take a nap before doing something else. Yes, I still managed to take a nap, my eyes closed but my mind so far away, filled with scary and gloomy thoughts of what might soon to happen. I passed by her, told her I'd be taking a nap. I'm a light sleeper, I tried to listen to music so I cannot hear her moans, but as I decided to stop listening after a few hours, I heard her call my name. I went down and asked why, she asked me to ask grandmother if someone's looking for her. As I asked grandmother. She told me it was her high school friend, the one who funded her expensive check-up not so long ago. My temper aroused when she insisted on going out to met her friend.
And it happened, I changed her diaper, I wanted to yell at her and she was still able to make a joke out of it. Me changing an adult her diaper which should have been me changing the diaper of my child. LAME! but I couldn't be angry! I changed her clothes, too. I told her to stay and I will send someone to tell her friend to come at our house instead of her going. But as stubborn as I was, she did go. I let her and I didn't bother helping. I went to my bedroom and sleep until she returned. I just went down when it was already dark. By that time she was preparing to sleep. I went to the kitchen, get the stuff I brought from the city and started cooking. I talked with my brother. I talked with my grandmother who was lighthearted but with the deepest unexplainable pain in her eyes.
The night went by, we ate, while my mom was trying to doze off, constantly moaning in pain and breathing heavily. Grandfather added that he had many sleepless nights listening to my mom's moan because it scares him, whatever happens while he was fast asleep scares him. After dinner, I went to bed upstairs and will just wait for midnight to come. As midnight came, I went down, listen to my mom's breathing, I, too, was scared. My grandmother handed me a trumpet, it was quarter to midnight. My brother and grandfather were asleep which left me and grandmother to celebrate New Year together. I tried to smile and liven the atmosphere but my heart's too heavy and I felt numb still. After almost an hour, I ate little and decided to go to bed.
As I was lying in bed, I thought of many things which I cannot recall now. I cannot tell if I was able to really sleep but when I woke up I hurriedly pack my things and bid them goodbye. When I approached my mom, she wanted me to pull her legs so she can stand up, maybe she wanted to hug me that time, but I pretended that I cannot pull her, that she was too heavy, partly, it was true because seeing her made me weak. She stop insisting, she even wanted me to call grandfather to pull her, but I told her he was not close, so she gave up, instead I took her hand but I could not reach it well, so I was not able to bid her farewell formally. I was impatient, I wanted to leave the place as soon as possible. Before I could go she said one thing, she wanted me to send her money when I get my salary and I promised myself that I will really send her money.
For all the things I did in that brief stay which was not good makes me regretful today. If only! Yes! I had a feeling that it might be the last time in seeing her but I console myself saying that she's a strong woman and that she will recover from the illness soon. I was thinking, it was not fatal, even if I knew it was.
January 1, 2012 : I left home half-knowing that it might be the last encounter between me and my mother.
On new year's day, I left my mom hurting, in total pain and I did not even let her feel my presence. But on that day, I left with a heavy heart because I am a useless daughter who could not do anything for her dying mother.
Now, how do you think I feel?
All along, I wanted to feel fine. But, I'm not.
The beginning of the year was the last time I saw my mother breathing the same air with me. The last time she held my hands. The last time I saw her pale face. The last time.
The last time I have a mother, the last time she called me. The last time for everything between us.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Choi Minho
"I've never felt love like this before"
I am one of the thousands of fan girls giggling in front of their laptop while toes curling and drooling over a Korean guy who sings and raps on stage, who unbuttoned his polo and showed his man abs, setting fire to every girl across the globe and gave off those hypnotizing winks that could melt any foolish heart. And like one of these fan girls wished for, I, too, not just wish, but dream to be by his side and be his wife!
So many times I thought I knew him better than anyone else, but I came to accept the fact that I'm not merely halfway in getting to know the man who made the sun shine the brightest for me. All the internet savvy reports spread on the web like wildfire, any avid fan would not dare miss anything from their bias. I want to have something about him that I only know but is impossible. I shared the one thing I noticed about him and I think it doesn't make sense at all.
Well, the most important thing is that I met him. The man who has become my instant boyfriend, best friend and husband. Though I got to share this man with thousands out there but I know I have something different from them, not to much but enough to make me feel I'm an official die-hard fan of his.
To Choi Minho, you will always be my number one SHINee. I endured a year loveless in the real world and dwell permanently in a world created where there's only me and you and the rest of the imaginary world. Unconsciously I fell in love with your flaming charisma that there's not a day I failed to think of you. Why on Earth did God create a living god like you? You're so out of my reach. I think I would go insane if I have no updates of you. There were times when I silently thought of you, asking myself if you've been eating properly, what time you go to the gym, if you get enough sleep. I just could not get enough of you.
I dream a lot of you since you came to my life. I wonder how it feels like to hear you sing a song to me, to hear you rap, to see you dance "Oh my God". I wonder how it feels like to dance with you, to feel your arms around me, enveloping me in your warm embrace.
I also want to cheer for you during athletic games, I will make a wide and huge banner for you. I will wipe your sweat and give you water. I'll capture every single move you make, every jump, every leap and every smile. I will cheer to my loudest so you can hear.
I dream to laugh with you and hold your face in my hands, I'll trace every corner of the face that makes me fall in love with you, your eyebrows, your eyes, your lashes, your nose, your lips and the contour of you face. I'll ruffle your hair and feel every strand brush through my fingers.
I dream to hold your hand, those long and slender hands that can run electricity through my spine.
I want you to look at me with those eyes that belongs to the gods of Olympus. I want to melt under your gaze and feel the blood rushing to my cheeks.
I want you to know I had defended you so many times against people who said that you could not sing. That you can only rap and does not even do it better. But I heard you sing and rap with all you can and with that you prove them all wrong. SM wont invest in an artist with no future in singing, I believe.
I never saw you cry often, but the time I saw your tears fall, it breaks my heart. I thought that at such a young age you were fully responsible of your life, been to busy with all the promotions alongside your studies. Life for you, I know is not all play. Being famous entails sacrifices, pain and sufferings but you still manage to smile and be grateful to everything and that makes me proud of you.
I can feel that you have a good heart and a beautiful soul. Nurture and nourish it for you will need it as you climb one step higher to success.
My dreams are my realities, if fate permits and they'll come true, I will be truly over joyed. But I am happy to have you this way, unnoticed, yet I know you can feel the love I have for you together with the other avid fan of yours.
I will always be your number one fan and I promise I will never ever turn my back on you, come what may.
Your mere existence is a dream come true to me. I am a proud fan who says you have my heart now, and you'll have it forever even if someone else comes along. Saranghaeyo Minho-sshi~ <3
Hakuna Matata
Its been a while. Have I been gone for too long? I think so. What have I been doing for the past 24 hours of my life? for the past few days? weeks? months? I've been different, I know and I noticed. Each time I looked back getting here was never easy. It had always been a rough road for me. How I managed to get through, well, only God knows. I'd been occupied with so many random things in life for the times I neglect to visit this blog. I went out often with my closest friends, stayed long hours at the mall, watch movies, spazz about the korean hallyu wave, had coffee over thesis and essay writing, drown ourselves with Gin in between exams, fight, stroll, shopped and talked about everything that I forgot I have "the other side" with me. It's all about school. It was one way to relieved ourselves from all the stress we gain from our tremendous subjects. I'd been in pain. I was scared. Afraid I may not graduate. It had always been my dilemma. But God gave me a miracle and I was so blessed and now I am asking Him for another miracle.
It's true, I thought not deeply of being a graduate already. Its like, there's still school waiting for me when summer ends. Seriously, I need a job right now. I feel so out of the way with my classmates who have been working already. I don't know why. I always put my best during application time but I failed. I'm lazy, that's never a question, but I have to be settled before the month of May comes, or else I'm a dead girl!
Well life goes on. I had fun though. This is me. I have my own ways to set aside my worries. I worry them later. Sometimes its a better idea but most of the time I need to overcome my worries and fear personally and aggressively to survive. I'm always proud to be strong. Unbeatable. Buy I'm also human, I trip, stumble and fall, get hurt and rise again after everything. I'm so weak in may areas. I failed so many times. But there's always a rainbow after the rain. When the sun shines, I know I still have strings of hope left of me and I say "hakuna matata" !
Sunday, October 24, 2010
friends
As I visit this blog early this morning I was kinda shock for having only one post for this year.
So I decided to add one more.
Its Monday morning and I my back hasn't touch my bed yet. Then I realized something that needs to be put into words, right here in this blog.
Friends are what we need in this world aside from our five basic needs and our family. We believe they are the ones who are there when every one else abandon us and we labeled or called these friends as true.
I had past issues with regards to stuffs like this. I had countless friends, close ones, best friends and some merely acquaintances. I love and value them today and I hate and disregard them the next day and this is my dilemma.
I think it's just me but I can't help it. Once they irritate me and they get into my nerves I just flared up and lost my temper and worst I am forced to create a lie after so as to escape the truth and denying them of what I truly feel.
It's as if I could dump them with one snap of my finger. I hate it most especially when one of them tries to get even with me. I hate it when one of them makes an unsolicited advice on me. When they comment on sensitive times that I don't need it.
One thing's for sure I can't wait to not see them everyday. These friends I terribly hold on to that I am, ta the same time, itching to let go!
So I decided to add one more.
Its Monday morning and I my back hasn't touch my bed yet. Then I realized something that needs to be put into words, right here in this blog.
Friends are what we need in this world aside from our five basic needs and our family. We believe they are the ones who are there when every one else abandon us and we labeled or called these friends as true.
I had past issues with regards to stuffs like this. I had countless friends, close ones, best friends and some merely acquaintances. I love and value them today and I hate and disregard them the next day and this is my dilemma.
I think it's just me but I can't help it. Once they irritate me and they get into my nerves I just flared up and lost my temper and worst I am forced to create a lie after so as to escape the truth and denying them of what I truly feel.
It's as if I could dump them with one snap of my finger. I hate it most especially when one of them tries to get even with me. I hate it when one of them makes an unsolicited advice on me. When they comment on sensitive times that I don't need it.
One thing's for sure I can't wait to not see them everyday. These friends I terribly hold on to that I am, ta the same time, itching to let go!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Down on my Knees
This is it! Then I just don't know where to start. Down on my knees for everything that had happen to me as this year starts. I don't understand. The signs aren't clear. There must be something wrong going on with my life. One moment it seems so perfect then suddenly everything breaks into pieces and I found myself lost in oblivion.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
December 19- 20, 2009
It was way too obvious why I was so insistent to go out last night. I wanted to see him or the right statement should have been I expected to see him there last night but I was wrong, I failed. And I spoil my own night. I wasn't drunk but failing too see what I wishfully hope for made me silent. I don't want to laugh. I dance wildly but in the middle of the crowd I can see him through someone else. I wanted to find a guy but It wasn't my luck to find one. It was just imagination, yes it was, but each time I dance to the music I see a glimpse of those time when he first approach me, when he ask for my number, when I just sit down there and caught him staring at me too. Those time when we first kiss, when I dance with him with no one else in mind and seeing no one else but him.
I can't let go of him. How can I? When I'm holding all these memories of him so tight! HE will never hear me cry. He's gone and most probably he had forgotten me by now. But everywhere I go, the roads I take only leads me back to him but I can't see him there anymore. All there's left are traces and shadows of him. I can no longer touch him nor feel him, all I can do is get hypnotize and let my heart suffer the agony and no one, no one can tell how painful it is. What will my Christmas be? I can still hear him say about Christmas and his birthday. Days gone by and I'm still the same, the wound may stop hurting for a while but when it got hit the same excruciating pain rushed back to me.
I'm afraid that one day I can't remember his face anymore. I don't want to forget him no matter how crazy I get. Every simple thing reminds me of him. Though it's my fault because I choose not to forget him that's why I'm still in pain for losing him. What memory hurts me everyday is the white car. Everyday, since the day we met and go our separate ways, I always look at cars colored white hoping against hope that it would be him. But since he left in my life I never see his car again. I can't even remember its plate number, since I'm not used to remembering plate numbers, all clue I got is a miniature mirror on top of the side mirrors. And when I start looking at white cars I started to feel like crying and I asked myself where could he be right now? and if I think of him does he also think of me? So many questions again but still no answers.
Now, I'm so tired, exhausted and frustrated but I wanted to write a poem about white cars. Something I really wanted to write for so long and finally I wanted to give it a try.
White Cars
The first time I saw you
I thought it would be forever
To sit right next to you
seems to be a promise.
You treated me comfortably
you reached out and hold my hand
I leaned unto your shoulders
and hug me as if I'm a baby.
You witnessed my smile
gently as we kissed.
You took me to places
that my feet can't go.
We share laughters
and words known to us
We talk slowly
afraid for tomorrow to come.
But suddenly,as fast as you came
you vanished instantly
you lost faith in me
and choose to go away.
In every road that I take
I can see your face
yet none of them was you
and I'm so dismayed.
I looked for you everywhere
in places we'd been
but traces are gone
and only memories remain.
As I turned around
I wish It was you
but I sigh and frown
for I could never found you.
My heart heave in silence
in search for your presence.
It suffers endlessly
for you crushed it mercilessly.
White cars everywhere
but you're not there.
but I'm still here
waitin' for you so dear.
I long for you
I wanted to be with you
I'm missing you
Your my white car,
and
I am
remembering you
wherever I go.
I wanted to end this endless struggle of forgetting him never. I remember, when one of my friends told me about seeing Marco with a girl, my tears fell so fast even before the sentence was completed. I knew right then that I had to give him up. Give up in thinking and hoping that he will text me again and go out with me again. He got what he wanted and maybe he was never satisfied. This fight of mine is endless and way quite hopeless. I keep some of his text messages and I'm afraid that I might keep it longer. I ran through some of the messages every now and then yet I never had the courage to finish reading everything because I can't take opening one more message while my heart started to heave and my sight started to become blurry. Eventually I'll cry in the end and I fail in my quest to forget and move on. It's so sad that all the memories I have of him are all in the mind and maybe one day my mind may stop keeping it. It's just because I wanted something to remember him by. One thing that leads me to asking myself about my handkerchief, where could it be right now? I wonder if he keep it or maybe he put it in some place where he will never have the chance to see it again or far worst he might have thrown it away.
I pity myself in the way that I'm so affected about him. I could not hold back the tears every time I remember him because everywhere and in everyone else I can see his vague image. I wish for time to come that smiling will be a lot easier whenever his name is brought about in some discussions because there's always an accompanying pain in every mention of his name and in every smile that I fake to make others believe that I'm not affected anymore. All I have is his name and forever, as far as my memory allows me to remember him, I'll hold on to it.
I can still smell his perfume everywhere and right now it made me wish to drown on his scent. If time will be so cruel to me and leave me in pain for a long time then maybe I have to live with it and I might get used to it that I may likely become numb. I have no intention in forgetting him. It will happen in due time and in God's time.
I will forever cherish our memories together. The first time we met, exchange messages, to all those mushy and cheesy times, to the stumping feet on the dance floor, our dance, our kisses, our hugs, our drinking sessions, our drive in his white car, our theme song, our love song and will I forget our lunch date and maybe even the last time we see each other.
Memories. Only a word yet so powerful. Contains so many things, so many events and so many moments that can only be put and sum up into one, Memory. I believe in its capacity to make people smile and its ability to make me weep so badly. It's what I only have. It's all that's left of me and I'm never letting it go, unless I'm ready and unless I lost it involuntarily.
Marco John Abrantes, you made me see the other part of me yet I was not the one your looking for. For once, I hoped and I prayed that It would be finally you because I'm tired of searching and building a relationship. But if I am given a chance to see you one last time and say my farewell it will go this way:
Regret is something we agreed on not having when we met. Though I feel like regretting I wont show it to you. I wanted to slap you and scream at your face that you're a fool to let me go. But my chances are so small and there's no more space for regrets and doing so. Instead, in my most painful way, I wanted to thank you for the time you've spent with me. Though thank you is not the right words to say at this very moment yet I wanted it to replace everything that I wanted to say. Bitter will be the days ahead of me yet I will accept my fate. If I fall so deeply in love with you then I will keep this feeling for myself. I wanted us to go our separate ways where in my part there'll be less pain. I'm saying goodbye and thank you for letting me say my farewell. And if our paths crossed again lets not pretend that we're strangers, lets allow a “hi” to remind us of what we'd been. Goodbye, Marco.
on MARCO
I had my plans set before I went home today. I wanted to read in advance all the handouts that were given to us all this week. But every time I head for home there's a certain kind of heaviness that fills my soul. I know what it is and I can't find the exact words to totally describe it. I just wanted to write. I feel so alone in the room as of the moment and I can't help but cry again. Every morning when I woke up I felt fine but as the sun went down in the horizon the pain rushed back again. All the questions pop- up again like tiny bullets hitting me hard. I'm actually tired of repeating stories but I'm broken all over again with the man I thought who will value me as someone dear and special to his heart.
I met Marco at our sem- ender party at Casanova in Mango last Oct. 10. Honestly, like what I told my friends, I thought I'm just gonna make friends with him and no more no less but I never thought that I would eventually fall for that guy. I'm totally at lost for words when I talk about him. I can't tell why, how, when, what and where did I go wrong. Am I not enough? Why is every guy doing this to me? Why can't they tell me that we're better off as friends than left me hanging out of the blue, clueless of why all of a sudden they disappear in my life. And why can't I have the courage to ask that one question that will put an end to all my never ending mind- bugging wondering.
He's so near yet so far. I wanted to go to him. I wanted to see him. To embrace him one last time. To kiss him one last time. To say goodbye one last time. I wanted to dance again with him one last time. To hold his hand one last time. I wanted to tell him that I love him and no matter what it will stay forever that way. I wanted to see him write his name again on a tissue paper so I can keep it. I wanted to eat lunch with him again so I'll fall in love with him over and over again. I wanted to answer that puzzle again so I can look at him closely. I wanted to have my hanky back so I can sprinkle my perfume on it and hand it back to him so he can remember forever of how I smell when I'm with him. I wanted to ask him why?
Every time I smile and laugh I can feel my heart heave. I realize that no matter how I tried to hide the pain its still there waiting for my solitude so I can release it. Why can't I set it free? Am I really this type of girl whose so easy to get, according to one of my classmates?
maybe I am. Because I wanted to keep the guy in my life forever, I wanted him to stay, I wanted him to love me but what I realized that I keep on ignoring is the fact that I know that what I had been doing were wrong but I choose to ignore it because I thought it will work out this and that way.
I miss him. I do. I miss his smell. His embraces. His sense of humor, I don't care if all of it were lies! I miss him, everything about him. I wanted to curl on his lap and fall asleep. And if I choose to die right now because of this pain I wanted to die that way with him.
Shall I regret everything that happen between us? I'm afraid. So afraid of where to go after this. Will I be okay? How long will I stay like this? How long will I stay missing him? When will I forget him?
“ I used to live to be with him, now I live to see him one last time “.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
so many things...
This past few days so many things had been filling up my mind. My coming exams, my troubles in school and most especially the different types of people that I met everyday and the people who are with me most of the time, my family and friends my neighbors as well. But as I witness Cory Aquino's funeral last Wednesday I felt the same kind of feeling I felt every time I saw strangers. The were not just mere strangers, they're those people who touches my heart. A few hours ago while I was in our town I sat next to an old lady in my friends store, she ordered a hot chocolate and my heart is full of pity for the old woman. I didn't know her name but I had seen her somewhere most of the time around town asking for alms. It often made me guilty that I spend so much money for nonsense things while other people suffer in hunger and poverty. God knows it pains my heart so badly. If only all my dreams are true then I'd be able to help my fellow country men. This country needs someone who is not selfish to live with the people in their sorrows and pain, in there poverty and hunger. A leader who will risk everything for the welfare of there people. If only there's one. If only it is me...
Friday, July 24, 2009
kiya...---....
I'm back..
after so long..
I'm visiting my blogger again...
last night was our acquaintance party
at the Cebu Grand Convention Center...
I know I look good last night
and all I ever wanted was
for people to see me
and appreciate me
from head to toe..
But I don't know
if I had achieve any of that..
But HE...
A freshman in our course..
changed the way
I feel last night..
not just because he is my crush
but because he resembles
my Ex so much
that I feel like crying
the very time
I touched his shoulder
when we asked him
to have a picture with us...
A sense of nostalgia came
rushing back to me
as if the person
standing right next to me
was the same person who had
my heart broken
almost 4 years ago...
and it made me shiver...
And he had me realize
that the feeling was
never gone...
As the night came to its finale,,
as he went out of the hall
and as I looked at the door
where he took his exit,
suddenly, out of my expectation,
he was standing there
and as I looked at him
I looked at his eyes
and for a moment until now
it made me feel that
he was looking right through
me too.
It made me turn around instantly...
God...the pain would be unbearable..
and I can't endure it..
I can't go on like this..
He's just a kid..
and there's just no way
I'm gonna let myself
fall for someone in resemblance
with my Ex...
Hope this will
be over soon..
hope it'll
pass me by soon...
just like any other
pages of my life
way way back...
after so long..
I'm visiting my blogger again...
last night was our acquaintance party
at the Cebu Grand Convention Center...
I know I look good last night
and all I ever wanted was
for people to see me
and appreciate me
from head to toe..
But I don't know
if I had achieve any of that..
But HE...
A freshman in our course..
changed the way
I feel last night..
not just because he is my crush
but because he resembles
my Ex so much
that I feel like crying
the very time
I touched his shoulder
when we asked him
to have a picture with us...
A sense of nostalgia came
rushing back to me
as if the person
standing right next to me
was the same person who had
my heart broken
almost 4 years ago...
and it made me shiver...
And he had me realize
that the feeling was
never gone...
As the night came to its finale,,
as he went out of the hall
and as I looked at the door
where he took his exit,
suddenly, out of my expectation,
he was standing there
and as I looked at him
I looked at his eyes
and for a moment until now
it made me feel that
he was looking right through
me too.
It made me turn around instantly...
God...the pain would be unbearable..
and I can't endure it..
I can't go on like this..
He's just a kid..
and there's just no way
I'm gonna let myself
fall for someone in resemblance
with my Ex...
Hope this will
be over soon..
hope it'll
pass me by soon...
just like any other
pages of my life
way way back...
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Ma. Angelie Ticar
That girl... who knows me more than I know myself~
It was my mistake..
I'm truly sorry lai..
I miss you
:))
It was my mistake..
I'm truly sorry lai..
I miss you
:))
happy & sad?
yeah..
last night I was both happy and sad...
happy because my plan for the longest time
finally had worked...
I really, carefully plan for that time to come
I don't know when it will eventually happen
but last night was the night...
Feb. 15 2009..
but even though I had it planned
I was still trembling
and my hands were sweating so badly...
I could not imagine that every illusion I had
for the past days was there in front of me...
I was not in control of the situation..
actually I can't find my voice
and there was an air of uneasiness
or shall I say awkwardness between us...
but somethin' even more unforgettable
happen last night..
I thought we can just eat together
that was what I had always wanted to happen...
but after we finish our dinner
we remain seated there
and continue our conversation
where I don't know how we
all started it...
from that awkward moment
to a fully comfortable air of
sensuality talk
where we both laugh
and laugh, where,
I don't know if its true,
he opened a piece of his life with me...
it was a not a so long conversation...
it was enough for one of us
to get to know each other a little bit...
And I must admit I handle it very well.
I don't know with him..
and I totally enjoyed it even if what
follows afterward was a disaster....
And I totally love every moment of it..
why shouldn't I?
when my chances were so close...
I got to look at him in the eye..
stare at his face...
look at the almost perfect angle of his face..
his long nose...
his charming smile...
God, I just felt like he was the only one
in that room that exist
and the others were just wall flowers
I hardly took notice...
I was even afraid that
I was so blunt and I might be too obvious
that I like the flow of our conversation...
Good Lord, I wanted that moment forever..
I wanted it to go on and on and on...
but honestly I didn't think of
it freely..
maybe because I sense that I'm
not going anywhere with just that
"over 30 minutes conversation"...
AND most especially because
lalai gave me no reason to
savor the feeling
for she gave me reaon to hate her instead...
I REALLY DO HATE HER SO MUCH....
SO SO SO MUCH....
THAT'S WHY i FEEL SO SAD...
SO SAD THAT I CAN'T ENJOY
THE EXPERIENCE....
last night I was both happy and sad...
happy because my plan for the longest time
finally had worked...
I really, carefully plan for that time to come
I don't know when it will eventually happen
but last night was the night...
Feb. 15 2009..
but even though I had it planned
I was still trembling
and my hands were sweating so badly...
I could not imagine that every illusion I had
for the past days was there in front of me...
I was not in control of the situation..
actually I can't find my voice
and there was an air of uneasiness
or shall I say awkwardness between us...
but somethin' even more unforgettable
happen last night..
I thought we can just eat together
that was what I had always wanted to happen...
but after we finish our dinner
we remain seated there
and continue our conversation
where I don't know how we
all started it...
from that awkward moment
to a fully comfortable air of
sensuality talk
where we both laugh
and laugh, where,
I don't know if its true,
he opened a piece of his life with me...
it was a not a so long conversation...
it was enough for one of us
to get to know each other a little bit...
And I must admit I handle it very well.
I don't know with him..
and I totally enjoyed it even if what
follows afterward was a disaster....
And I totally love every moment of it..
why shouldn't I?
when my chances were so close...
I got to look at him in the eye..
stare at his face...
look at the almost perfect angle of his face..
his long nose...
his charming smile...
God, I just felt like he was the only one
in that room that exist
and the others were just wall flowers
I hardly took notice...
I was even afraid that
I was so blunt and I might be too obvious
that I like the flow of our conversation...
Good Lord, I wanted that moment forever..
I wanted it to go on and on and on...
but honestly I didn't think of
it freely..
maybe because I sense that I'm
not going anywhere with just that
"over 30 minutes conversation"...
AND most especially because
lalai gave me no reason to
savor the feeling
for she gave me reaon to hate her instead...
I REALLY DO HATE HER SO MUCH....
SO SO SO MUCH....
THAT'S WHY i FEEL SO SAD...
SO SAD THAT I CAN'T ENJOY
THE EXPERIENCE....
Friday, December 19, 2008
never been the same....
Everyday is a new day to me.
There were times, during the last few weeks, when laughter seems to be so impossible. When the warm smile to greet people is so hard to do. But luckily I did move on. I believe I did. Though I can still feel the pain and the times when it seems so right when it was wrong! My life will never be the same after that. Things had change and there are just some people that will continue to hurt me even if they don't belong to my life in the present.
There were times, during the last few weeks, when laughter seems to be so impossible. When the warm smile to greet people is so hard to do. But luckily I did move on. I believe I did. Though I can still feel the pain and the times when it seems so right when it was wrong! My life will never be the same after that. Things had change and there are just some people that will continue to hurt me even if they don't belong to my life in the present.
Friday, November 21, 2008
my saddest letter
Earle,
I don't know where to start. All I know Earle is that you left me hanging out of the blue wondering why all of a sudden you change and become cold. I respect your silence. But the reason was just so vague that I could not help but wonder what went wrong. If you will give me the right to know why, then better, but if you prefer to keep your reasons then I'll understand. I'm just bothered by your inconsistency. But I wont question you more. Lets just pretend then that nothing happens. Pretend that I haven't send you this message & you haven't read this. Lets just forget everything and remain casual to each other, like ordinary acquaintances....
thank you,
irene marie
I don't know where to start. All I know Earle is that you left me hanging out of the blue wondering why all of a sudden you change and become cold. I respect your silence. But the reason was just so vague that I could not help but wonder what went wrong. If you will give me the right to know why, then better, but if you prefer to keep your reasons then I'll understand. I'm just bothered by your inconsistency. But I wont question you more. Lets just pretend then that nothing happens. Pretend that I haven't send you this message & you haven't read this. Lets just forget everything and remain casual to each other, like ordinary acquaintances....
thank you,
irene marie
broken Irene
now what???
all my life I’ve been in pain…
and suddenly someone came into my life and walk away without saying goodbye. And I couldn’t say anything but that it HURTS too much!!!!! Just like the wind he vanish instantly… He left me hanging here in the cold night of November wondering why all of a sudden he became cold and he never bothered to even tell me why…
I wish he knew how much I suffered,…
I thought everything was in the right track!!!
What might possibly gone wrong?!
I could not bare the pain for it wretch my heart
I feel like my heart is torn into pieces and scattered mercilessly into this stupid world full of hurt, pain and regrets and failure.
I can’t sleep every night thinking about possible reasons of his sudden change…
again I cried myself to sleep, because remembering those short times with him really really hurts!!!!!
He said that his intentions were true but what happen???
I keep asking myself this question but I can’t find an answer to any of the questions that pops out of my head… And I can just find myself bursting into tears and I can’t help it….
I was hurt in the heart because I was thinking that that was it… I had set a date..I was looking forward to that day…that day that never happens…that day’s like an eternity….
And since I went back here in the city I spend so many nights thinking of what shall I do!!!! Sometimes he casually greeted me.. Like normal friends do but we’re not supposed to be just normal friends.. And eventually he stopped texting me…
God please give me a reason to go on… to forget and move on… My heart is broken but worst off all my ego was hurt for he didn’t even consider in telling me the truth.. Don’t I deserve it???
I don’t know what to do!!!!
waking up each day filling so hurt distressed me so much!!!!
I don’t know what will happen next… He never even want to sort things out and we could possibly naturally end up everything the way he started it…..
like he can tell me why and I’ll just have to accept no matter how painful it can be for me…I wont ask.I wont insist. I just want to know why…so I can sleep soundly at night!!!!
I don’t know where to go this time..I wanted to be away..I don’t want to see him anymore, for seeing him everyday reminds me of the pain and another failure that’s pulling me down under into a world of gloom and sadness and loneliness!!!
Everyday I feel like I’m becoming a zombie…walking with an empty head with no certain direction but only to the place where I am scheduled to go to and that’s SCHOOL….
But every time I went home I easily feel the same usual grief that I’ve been keeping all along..And it simply weakens me as if there some invisible hand that pulls down my heart down that I myself feels so low and that I also wanted to lay on the ground just to deal with the heaviness that my heart went through every moment I’m home…
I should not be affected this way but it’s here already and there’s no stopping anymore. And like every heartbreak I’d been through I only hope that this will soon fade away….
Earle, I don’t know what had gone wrong?
you the sole person who knows why
but you choose to be quiet…
but your silence just hurts me even more…..
Why didn’t you tell me??
why do you have to left me hanging here??
why didn’t you ever think that you had
already left a promise
and I had believe in you but
YOU emerged to be different…
WHY????????????????????????????
Do you know how painful is it for me????
why me Earle???
of all the girls out there,,, WHY ME????????
I’ve been broken so many times…
I’ve been broken all along
and then you came and shattered me again
into vulnerable pieces…….
leaving me so drown into this dark pit full
of questions and no answers!!!!!!
I wish You knew that I was almost there….
so close…
so close….
so close to falling in love with you….
and then…..
and then you’re gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, November 17, 2008
this isn't it!!!!
is this another story...
another sad story...
very sad story..
sakit jud au xa....grabeh... no words can express it...y n ani man jud oi.. Lord d jud paq pwede ma happy?/
mag cge na lng jud q cry???
g kapoi naq... la jud ni padulngan... sakt kaau aq heart,,,...again.and again....Lord please spare me....
another sad story...
very sad story..
sakit jud au xa....grabeh... no words can express it...y n ani man jud oi.. Lord d jud paq pwede ma happy?/
mag cge na lng jud q cry???
g kapoi naq... la jud ni padulngan... sakt kaau aq heart,,,...again.and again....Lord please spare me....
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
pretensions of a bitch.....
whose the bitch in here...?
none other than me....
pretending to be okay
when I'm not....
pretending to be happy
when I'm sad....
pretending to be smiling
when I'm crying....
pretending to be deaf
when I can hear...
pretending to be blind
when I can see...
pretending to be numb
when I can really feel....
I am not okay
because you are ignoring me...
I am sad
because you're leaving away....
I am crying
because you don't like me....
I am deaf
because I don't want to
miss your voice....
I am blind
because I don't want to
miss your presence....
I am numb
because I don't want to
miss your simple touch......
pretensions is what
make me go on...
it made me feel stronger...
it made the feeling go away...
it prevented me
from falling much much deeper...
and its also the reason...
why I cry silently at night...
why I listen to a goodbye song...
why I felt so stupid all a long...
why I gaze into space so often....
and
why I put myself in vain...
I am living in the
world full of pretensions
it is my means of surviving....
It's my only way
to say goodbye to you Lemuel....
I have to pretend all the time
to deny myself that you're leaving,
that you don't like me...
I don't want to see you go...
just go away...
sooner I will forget you...
sooner I'll be happy...
sooner I'll be me again.....
my old self when I hadn't met you yet...
It's so sad we have
to part like this...
It hurts me even more
because you're treating me
like a fool...
and you are just happy
being linked to me...
you keep on smiling
when in fact you really don't care....
you don't give a damn...
I don't want to hate you...
I want you to be
a memory I will cherish forever...
Someone who will remind me
of a good past....
I appreciate those times
that you seem to care...
I'm still glad..
I know you're aware
of my feelings....
you know..
and I tried to understand,
though it hurts,
why you can't feel the same towards me....
at least you know...
I think it's the simplest thing
that I can offer myself....
history keeps on repeating itself....
same thing happens with you
and your cousin...
well,do I have anything to do
with what fate has set upon me?...
I am not destined to your cousin...
nor
I am not destined to you, Lemuel.....
Thanks for crossing my way, LEMUEL......
none other than me....
pretending to be okay
when I'm not....
pretending to be happy
when I'm sad....
pretending to be smiling
when I'm crying....
pretending to be deaf
when I can hear...
pretending to be blind
when I can see...
pretending to be numb
when I can really feel....
I am not okay
because you are ignoring me...
I am sad
because you're leaving away....
I am crying
because you don't like me....
I am deaf
because I don't want to
miss your voice....
I am blind
because I don't want to
miss your presence....
I am numb
because I don't want to
miss your simple touch......
pretensions is what
make me go on...
it made me feel stronger...
it made the feeling go away...
it prevented me
from falling much much deeper...
and its also the reason...
why I cry silently at night...
why I listen to a goodbye song...
why I felt so stupid all a long...
why I gaze into space so often....
and
why I put myself in vain...
I am living in the
world full of pretensions
it is my means of surviving....
It's my only way
to say goodbye to you Lemuel....
I have to pretend all the time
to deny myself that you're leaving,
that you don't like me...
I don't want to see you go...
just go away...
sooner I will forget you...
sooner I'll be happy...
sooner I'll be me again.....
my old self when I hadn't met you yet...
It's so sad we have
to part like this...
It hurts me even more
because you're treating me
like a fool...
and you are just happy
being linked to me...
you keep on smiling
when in fact you really don't care....
you don't give a damn...
I don't want to hate you...
I want you to be
a memory I will cherish forever...
Someone who will remind me
of a good past....
I appreciate those times
that you seem to care...
I'm still glad..
I know you're aware
of my feelings....
you know..
and I tried to understand,
though it hurts,
why you can't feel the same towards me....
at least you know...
I think it's the simplest thing
that I can offer myself....
history keeps on repeating itself....
same thing happens with you
and your cousin...
well,do I have anything to do
with what fate has set upon me?...
I am not destined to your cousin...
nor
I am not destined to you, Lemuel.....
Thanks for crossing my way, LEMUEL......
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