so many things...

This past few days so many things had been filling up my mind. My coming exams, my troubles in school and most especially the different types of people that I met everyday and the people who are with me most of the time, my family and friends my neighbors as well. But as I witness Cory Aquino's funeral last Wednesday I felt the same kind of feeling I felt every time I saw strangers. The were not just mere strangers, they're those people who touches my heart. A few hours ago while I was in our town I sat next to an old lady in my friends store, she ordered a hot chocolate and my heart is full of pity for the old woman. I didn't know her name but I had seen her somewhere most of the time around town asking for alms. It often made me guilty that I spend so much money for nonsense things while other people suffer in hunger and poverty. God knows it pains my heart so badly. If only all my dreams are true then I'd be able to help my fellow country men. This country needs someone who is not selfish to live with the people in their sorrows and pain, in there poverty and hunger. A leader who will risk everything for the welfare of there people. If only there's one. If only it is me...

kiya...---....

I'm back..
after so long..
I'm visiting my blogger again...
last night was our acquaintance party
at the Cebu Grand Convention Center...
I know I look good last night
and all I ever wanted was
for people to see me
and appreciate me
from head to toe..
But I don't know
if I had achieve any of that..
But HE...
A freshman in our course..
changed the way
I feel last night..
not just because he is my crush
but because he resembles
my Ex so much
that I feel like crying
the very time
I touched his shoulder
when we asked him
to have a picture with us...
A sense of nostalgia came
rushing back to me
as if the person
standing right next to me
was the same person who had
my heart broken
almost 4 years ago...
and it made me shiver...
And he had me realize
that the feeling was
never gone...
As the night came to its finale,,
as he went out of the hall
and as I looked at the door
where he took his exit,
suddenly, out of my expectation,
he was standing there
and as I looked at him
I looked at his eyes
and for a moment until now
it made me feel that
he was looking right through
me too.
It made me turn around instantly...
God...the pain would be unbearable..
and I can't endure it..
I can't go on like this..
He's just a kid..
and there's just no way
I'm gonna let myself
fall for someone in resemblance
with my Ex...
Hope this will
be over soon..
hope it'll
pass me by soon...
just like any other
pages of my life
way way back...

Ma. Angelie Ticar

That girl... who knows me more than I know myself~
It was my mistake..
I'm truly sorry lai..
I miss you
:))

happy & sad?

yeah..
last night I was both happy and sad...

happy because my plan for the longest time
finally had worked...
I really, carefully plan for that time to come
I don't know when it will eventually happen
but last night was the night...
Feb. 15 2009..
but even though I had it planned
I was still trembling
and my hands were sweating so badly...
I could not imagine that every illusion I had
for the past days was there in front of me...
I was not in control of the situation..
actually I can't find my voice
and there was an air of uneasiness
or shall I say awkwardness between us...
but somethin' even more unforgettable
happen last night..
I thought we can just eat together
that was what I had always wanted to happen...
but after we finish our dinner
we remain seated there
and continue our conversation
where I don't know how we
all started it...
from that awkward moment
to a fully comfortable air of
sensuality talk
where we both laugh
and laugh, where,
I don't know if its true,
he opened a piece of his life with me...
it was a not a so long conversation...
it was enough for one of us
to get to know each other a little bit...
And I must admit I handle it very well.
I don't know with him..
and I totally enjoyed it even if what
follows afterward was a disaster....
And I totally love every moment of it..
why shouldn't I?
when my chances were so close...
I got to look at him in the eye..
stare at his face...
look at the almost perfect angle of his face..
his long nose...
his charming smile...
God, I just felt like he was the only one
in that room that exist
and the others were just wall flowers
I hardly took notice...
I was even afraid that
I was so blunt and I might be too obvious
that I like the flow of our conversation...
Good Lord, I wanted that moment forever..
I wanted it to go on and on and on...
but honestly I didn't think of
it freely..
maybe because I sense that I'm
not going anywhere with just that
"over 30 minutes conversation"...
AND most especially because
lalai gave me no reason to
savor the feeling
for she gave me reaon to hate her instead...
I REALLY DO HATE HER SO MUCH....
SO SO SO MUCH....
THAT'S WHY i FEEL SO SAD...
SO SAD THAT I CAN'T ENJOY
THE EXPERIENCE....

never been the same....

Everyday is a new day to me.
There were times, during the last few weeks, when laughter seems to be so impossible. When the warm smile to greet people is so hard to do. But luckily I did move on. I believe I did. Though I can still feel the pain and the times when it seems so right when it was wrong! My life will never be the same after that. Things had change and there are just some people that will continue to hurt me even if they don't belong to my life in the present.

my saddest letter

Earle,

I don't know where to start. All I know Earle is that you left me hanging out of the blue wondering why all of a sudden you change and become cold. I respect your silence. But the reason was just so vague that I could not help but wonder what went wrong. If you will give me the right to know why, then better, but if you prefer to keep your reasons then I'll understand. I'm just bothered by your inconsistency. But I wont question you more. Lets just pretend then that nothing happens. Pretend that I haven't send you this message & you haven't read this. Lets just forget everything and remain casual to each other, like ordinary acquaintances....


thank you,
irene marie

broken Irene

now what???

all my life I’ve been in pain…

and suddenly someone came into my life and walk away without saying goodbye. And I couldn’t say anything but that it HURTS too much!!!!! Just like the wind he vanish instantly… He left me hanging here in the cold night of November wondering why all of a sudden he became cold and he never bothered to even tell me why…

I wish he knew how much I suffered,…

I thought everything was in the right track!!!

What might possibly gone wrong?!

I could not bare the pain for it wretch my heart

I feel like my heart is torn into pieces and scattered mercilessly into this stupid world full of hurt, pain and regrets and failure.

I can’t sleep every night thinking about possible reasons of his sudden change…

again I cried myself to sleep, because remembering those short times with him really really hurts!!!!!

He said that his intentions were true but what happen???

I keep asking myself this question but I can’t find an answer to any of the questions that pops out of my head… And I can just find myself bursting into tears and I can’t help it….

I was hurt in the heart because I was thinking that that was it… I had set a date..I was looking forward to that day…that day that never happens…that day’s like an eternity….

And since I went back here in the city I spend so many nights thinking of what shall I do!!!! Sometimes he casually greeted me.. Like normal friends do but we’re not supposed to be just normal friends.. And eventually he stopped texting me…

God please give me a reason to go on… to forget and move on… My heart is broken but worst off all my ego was hurt for he didn’t even consider in telling me the truth.. Don’t I deserve it???

I don’t know what to do!!!!

waking up each day filling so hurt distressed me so much!!!!

I don’t know what will happen next… He never even want to sort things out and we could possibly naturally end up everything the way he started it…..

like he can tell me why and I’ll just have to accept no matter how painful it can be for me…I wont ask.I wont insist. I just want to know why…so I can sleep soundly at night!!!!

I don’t know where to go this time..I wanted to be away..I don’t want to see him anymore, for seeing him everyday reminds me of the pain and another failure that’s pulling me down under into a world of gloom and sadness and loneliness!!!

Everyday I feel like I’m becoming a zombie…walking with an empty head with no certain direction but only to the place where I am scheduled to go to and that’s SCHOOL….

But every time I went home I easily feel the same usual grief that I’ve been keeping all along..And it simply weakens me as if there some invisible hand that pulls down my heart down that I myself feels so low and that I also wanted to lay on the ground just to deal with the heaviness that my heart went through every moment I’m home…

I should not be affected this way but it’s here already and there’s no stopping anymore. And like every heartbreak I’d been through I only hope that this will soon fade away….

Earle, I don’t know what had gone wrong?

you the sole person who knows why

but you choose to be quiet…

but your silence just hurts me even more…..

Why didn’t you tell me??

why do you have to left me hanging here??

why didn’t you ever think that you had

already left a promise

and I had believe in you but

YOU emerged to be different…

WHY????????????????????????????

Do you know how painful is it for me????

why me Earle???

of all the girls out there,,, WHY ME????????

I’ve been broken so many times…

I’ve been broken all along

and then you came and shattered me again

into vulnerable pieces…….

leaving me so drown into this dark pit full

of questions and no answers!!!!!!

I wish You knew that I was almost there….

so close…

so close….

so close to falling in love with you….

and then…..

and then you’re gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!