It was way too obvious why I was so insistent to go out last night. I wanted to see him or the right statement should have been I expected to see him there last night but I was wrong, I failed. And I spoil my own night. I wasn't drunk but failing too see what I wishfully hope for made me silent. I don't want to laugh. I dance wildly but in the middle of the crowd I can see him through someone else. I wanted to find a guy but It wasn't my luck to find one. It was just imagination, yes it was, but each time I dance to the music I see a glimpse of those time when he first approach me, when he ask for my number, when I just sit down there and caught him staring at me too. Those time when we first kiss, when I dance with him with no one else in mind and seeing no one else but him.
I can't let go of him. How can I? When I'm holding all these memories of him so tight! HE will never hear me cry. He's gone and most probably he had forgotten me by now. But everywhere I go, the roads I take only leads me back to him but I can't see him there anymore. All there's left are traces and shadows of him. I can no longer touch him nor feel him, all I can do is get hypnotize and let my heart suffer the agony and no one, no one can tell how painful it is. What will my Christmas be? I can still hear him say about Christmas and his birthday. Days gone by and I'm still the same, the wound may stop hurting for a while but when it got hit the same excruciating pain rushed back to me.
I'm afraid that one day I can't remember his face anymore. I don't want to forget him no matter how crazy I get. Every simple thing reminds me of him. Though it's my fault because I choose not to forget him that's why I'm still in pain for losing him. What memory hurts me everyday is the white car. Everyday, since the day we met and go our separate ways, I always look at cars colored white hoping against hope that it would be him. But since he left in my life I never see his car again. I can't even remember its plate number, since I'm not used to remembering plate numbers, all clue I got is a miniature mirror on top of the side mirrors. And when I start looking at white cars I started to feel like crying and I asked myself where could he be right now? and if I think of him does he also think of me? So many questions again but still no answers.
Now, I'm so tired, exhausted and frustrated but I wanted to write a poem about white cars. Something I really wanted to write for so long and finally I wanted to give it a try.
White Cars
The first time I saw you
I thought it would be forever
To sit right next to you
seems to be a promise.
You treated me comfortably
you reached out and hold my hand
I leaned unto your shoulders
and hug me as if I'm a baby.
You witnessed my smile
gently as we kissed.
You took me to places
that my feet can't go.
We share laughters
and words known to us
We talk slowly
afraid for tomorrow to come.
But suddenly,as fast as you came
you vanished instantly
you lost faith in me
and choose to go away.
In every road that I take
I can see your face
yet none of them was you
and I'm so dismayed.
I looked for you everywhere
in places we'd been
but traces are gone
and only memories remain.
As I turned around
I wish It was you
but I sigh and frown
for I could never found you.
My heart heave in silence
in search for your presence.
It suffers endlessly
for you crushed it mercilessly.
White cars everywhere
but you're not there.
but I'm still here
waitin' for you so dear.
I long for you
I wanted to be with you
I'm missing you
Your my white car,
and
I am
remembering you
wherever I go.
I wanted to end this endless struggle of forgetting him never. I remember, when one of my friends told me about seeing Marco with a girl, my tears fell so fast even before the sentence was completed. I knew right then that I had to give him up. Give up in thinking and hoping that he will text me again and go out with me again. He got what he wanted and maybe he was never satisfied. This fight of mine is endless and way quite hopeless. I keep some of his text messages and I'm afraid that I might keep it longer. I ran through some of the messages every now and then yet I never had the courage to finish reading everything because I can't take opening one more message while my heart started to heave and my sight started to become blurry. Eventually I'll cry in the end and I fail in my quest to forget and move on. It's so sad that all the memories I have of him are all in the mind and maybe one day my mind may stop keeping it. It's just because I wanted something to remember him by. One thing that leads me to asking myself about my handkerchief, where could it be right now? I wonder if he keep it or maybe he put it in some place where he will never have the chance to see it again or far worst he might have thrown it away.
I pity myself in the way that I'm so affected about him. I could not hold back the tears every time I remember him because everywhere and in everyone else I can see his vague image. I wish for time to come that smiling will be a lot easier whenever his name is brought about in some discussions because there's always an accompanying pain in every mention of his name and in every smile that I fake to make others believe that I'm not affected anymore. All I have is his name and forever, as far as my memory allows me to remember him, I'll hold on to it.
I can still smell his perfume everywhere and right now it made me wish to drown on his scent. If time will be so cruel to me and leave me in pain for a long time then maybe I have to live with it and I might get used to it that I may likely become numb. I have no intention in forgetting him. It will happen in due time and in God's time.
I will forever cherish our memories together. The first time we met, exchange messages, to all those mushy and cheesy times, to the stumping feet on the dance floor, our dance, our kisses, our hugs, our drinking sessions, our drive in his white car, our theme song, our love song and will I forget our lunch date and maybe even the last time we see each other.
Memories. Only a word yet so powerful. Contains so many things, so many events and so many moments that can only be put and sum up into one, Memory. I believe in its capacity to make people smile and its ability to make me weep so badly. It's what I only have. It's all that's left of me and I'm never letting it go, unless I'm ready and unless I lost it involuntarily.
Marco John Abrantes, you made me see the other part of me yet I was not the one your looking for. For once, I hoped and I prayed that It would be finally you because I'm tired of searching and building a relationship. But if I am given a chance to see you one last time and say my farewell it will go this way:
Regret is something we agreed on not having when we met. Though I feel like regretting I wont show it to you. I wanted to slap you and scream at your face that you're a fool to let me go. But my chances are so small and there's no more space for regrets and doing so. Instead, in my most painful way, I wanted to thank you for the time you've spent with me. Though thank you is not the right words to say at this very moment yet I wanted it to replace everything that I wanted to say. Bitter will be the days ahead of me yet I will accept my fate. If I fall so deeply in love with you then I will keep this feeling for myself. I wanted us to go our separate ways where in my part there'll be less pain. I'm saying goodbye and thank you for letting me say my farewell. And if our paths crossed again lets not pretend that we're strangers, lets allow a “hi” to remind us of what we'd been. Goodbye, Marco.
