My mother died on the 6th of January 2012. 5 days after I left on New Year's day.
My cousin, Kenny, called me 6:00 in the morning to deliver the news.
I was still tired and sleepy as I picked up my old phone. The number appeared unregistered, so I asked who it was when I answered but I immediately recognized the voice. His voice was so slow and my guts told me that something really happened back home. I was expecting a call from him if something happened at home, like mom's death. From his voice I could already tell his news even if hadn't spilled it yet.
My mind was like, I knew it. I saw it coming. I only told him okay and he further discuss what I should do but his words did penetrate in my head. I ended the call and sat and lie in bed. And slowly it sank in me. I hugged my pillow tightly, I held my breath afraid to let a sob be heard. And one thing cross my mind, "Wa nakoy mama" "I have no mother". And I wept. My Aunt, her sister, called me numerous time before I left for work but I chose to ignore all her incoming calls. I ate breakfast. Went to my morning job and did not bother to tell anybody about my situation. It was nauseating to be working with such needles pinching my heart. I was floating the whole day and was not in the mood for a good class with my students. Luckily it was my rest day at my poor work at Bloom Partner's Inc. I was scheduled to met my brother that day, too.
After work, I headed downtown to met my brother. Still, I did not tell him about mom's death, because I want him to go home and discovered it for himself. I looked at him and imagined his reaction when he'll know about it. After dinner and giving him money, I went home with a very heavy heart, I thought I might pass out along the streets.
I sent a text message to my best friend, Ayen, she was the first to know about my mom's death. She asked when I will go home and what I will do, and I told her to keep it a secret from the others still, I'll find the right time to tell them.
Because I did not know what to do and my mind was somewhere far from my senses, I did not go home immediately. Yes! I'm a useless daughter! I admit that! It was my first encounter with death in the family so I can't help but feel useless and ignorant and lost!
I slept and still managed to go to my part-time and poor work at Bloom Partner's Inc. When I arrived I talked with my Team leader, Bea, about the situation I am in, I cried. She opened a conference room so we can talk in private. She insisted that I should leave right away but I strongly opposed and decided to stay. We decided to tell the supervisor present at that day and we came up with the decision that I'll be absent for several days to give myself time to mourn.
On the same day, my brother went home and went immediately back to the city. He already found out and was not able to control the situation so he roughly decided to go back. I told her that on the following day, we will go home together. The following day was also mom's burial.
I also, finally, decided, to send a text message to my aunt, saying that we will be home the next day. She replied that it could have been better if we could be home right then but I did not reply anymore.
The sad thing is we hadn't got any time to do a vigil. Because I was scared.
I did not sleep well Saturday night and I just waited for the crack of dawn. I prepared some things to bring. I did not even take a shower. I just tied my hair, rode on a cab to the terminal and met my brother there. We left the city around 7:00 in the morning. I look terrible.
My heart was beating fast and I felt so down that breathing came in so heavy. I haven't decided if Ill stay for the night.
Along the way, many, many things crossed my mind, scenes of our arrival, the people I will see, the family I've grown to hate and love at the same time, the face of my mom inside the coffin and etc. I remembered past events in our lives together. I counted the years that we've been together. The countless times we had cold-wars. Just everything that my memory can offer me while I was sitting uncomfortably at the buses seat.
Mixed emotions it was that I felt. Sadness, guilt, pride, anger, sorrow, grief rolled into one and I could not help but let tears rolled down my cheeks. Time seemed to pass by so slow, it was killing me, the longer it takes and the closer we were makes my heart even heavier.
The judgement time came close as we arrived at our hometown. I dared not look into people's faces afraid that they might recognized me. We went uphill, directly to my aunt's house where my mom's body was laid before the burial later at 1:00 in the afternoon. God knows how much strength it takes for me to move every step closer to our destination. Along the way, we met our ReEd teacher in high school. He greeted us and extended his thoughts and condolences to us. he was glad that we were home in time for the burial. After the brief encounter, we continue to the house.
I'm not quite sure if I heard shouts but I hear someone announced our arrival. We walked slowly since it was also muddy. I hate mud. Upon seeing the coffin, I could not tell what exactly I felt. As we approached nearer, we first showed our respect to the elders and aunt told us to look at the coffin first. I breath in and took all the courage and strength left in me to approach my mom's death bed. There lay my mom, white from the make-up. The coffin was small, which explains her thinness underneath the pieces of clothes she's wearing. Her face was hollow, somehow the make-up brought color to her deathly face. I cried. A shallow cry from the depths of my hurting soul. I do not what to do, I stand there with my mother, with one relative hugging my brother. My brother's way stiff. I know he had mustered every courage and strength he had to spare him from crying. He has his reasons and I respect that.
We arrived at around 10:00 in the morning. So, more or less, we had 2 or 3 hours to prepare. That gives our relatives time to talk and entertain us, you know, just to make the atmosphere lighter.
Our grandparents were not there yet, they were in the store, so aunt had to call them saying that we had arrived. They immediately went there. When grandmother saw me she was teary-eyed but I stopped her, I told her not to cry because I hate seeing such reaction.
So, noon came. People were arriving to join us with the burial. People, neighbors I know but I just don't care. My mind was saying, I just want this to be over. Some people walk their way to the church, my aunt included. But, me an my brother, we rode on the car.
In the church, I was chosen to read the 2nd reading, I did not felt nervous because I'm gonna read in front of many people, there was another dead person in that mass too, aside from mom, but because its in Cebuano language which I'm born by tongue but rarely practice most especially because I'm an English teacher.
After the mass, the walk to the cemetery came next. As a last thing I could do for mom, I walked all the way to the cemetery with my aunt and other relatives and mom's friends and acquaintances, My grandparents and brother rode on the car. I keep my head low while walking, I'm avoiding people's eyes, I don't wanna see their reactions, I just hate it.
I looked back and saw my mom's high school friends. Somehow these people cared for her until her last days and it made me happy.
I didn't cry as aunt close the casket, I was hurt the way she said goodbye as she closed it. It sound inappropriate. Well, its done.
We stayed for like an hour, talking and waiting to close the grave, we ate the snacks prepared and after a while we went back home and bid our farewell. My brother didn't want to skip classes and I don't wanna mourn their. So, we decided to head right away back to the city.
I did not cry but it doesn't mean I'm not hurting. On the way back to the city, as the sun began to set in the sky and the chilly wind started to make me feel cold, my tears slowly fell from my eyes, barely noticeable.
I am in grief yet I refused to mourn. Because I don't know how it's supposed to be.
Every single day I think about mom and it hurts me that I was not able to say goodbye. It hurts me that I failed to served and thanked her for everything she gave to me. I feel guilty that I let her feel valueless even on her dying days. I was not there to support her, comfort her and take care of her. Now, I can attest to the saying, that you'll never know the value of one person, unless they're gone.
I will forever think of her and how sorry I am for all my faults and in-sensitiveness. I could never turn back time and all i can do is to think of her happy days when we're together.
Ma, I'm so sorry, I took you for granted. Wherever you are right now, I hope you are happy. I hope you had found in your heart to forgive my brother and I hope that he too can forgive you for your flaws. Look upon us. Rest in peace Ma. One day, we'll meet again. On that day I'll be able to tell you how grateful I am because you're my mom. I will never forget you. I miss you so much~ I love you.
My cousin, Kenny, called me 6:00 in the morning to deliver the news.
I was still tired and sleepy as I picked up my old phone. The number appeared unregistered, so I asked who it was when I answered but I immediately recognized the voice. His voice was so slow and my guts told me that something really happened back home. I was expecting a call from him if something happened at home, like mom's death. From his voice I could already tell his news even if hadn't spilled it yet.
My mind was like, I knew it. I saw it coming. I only told him okay and he further discuss what I should do but his words did penetrate in my head. I ended the call and sat and lie in bed. And slowly it sank in me. I hugged my pillow tightly, I held my breath afraid to let a sob be heard. And one thing cross my mind, "Wa nakoy mama" "I have no mother". And I wept. My Aunt, her sister, called me numerous time before I left for work but I chose to ignore all her incoming calls. I ate breakfast. Went to my morning job and did not bother to tell anybody about my situation. It was nauseating to be working with such needles pinching my heart. I was floating the whole day and was not in the mood for a good class with my students. Luckily it was my rest day at my poor work at Bloom Partner's Inc. I was scheduled to met my brother that day, too.
After work, I headed downtown to met my brother. Still, I did not tell him about mom's death, because I want him to go home and discovered it for himself. I looked at him and imagined his reaction when he'll know about it. After dinner and giving him money, I went home with a very heavy heart, I thought I might pass out along the streets.
I sent a text message to my best friend, Ayen, she was the first to know about my mom's death. She asked when I will go home and what I will do, and I told her to keep it a secret from the others still, I'll find the right time to tell them.
Because I did not know what to do and my mind was somewhere far from my senses, I did not go home immediately. Yes! I'm a useless daughter! I admit that! It was my first encounter with death in the family so I can't help but feel useless and ignorant and lost!
I slept and still managed to go to my part-time and poor work at Bloom Partner's Inc. When I arrived I talked with my Team leader, Bea, about the situation I am in, I cried. She opened a conference room so we can talk in private. She insisted that I should leave right away but I strongly opposed and decided to stay. We decided to tell the supervisor present at that day and we came up with the decision that I'll be absent for several days to give myself time to mourn.
On the same day, my brother went home and went immediately back to the city. He already found out and was not able to control the situation so he roughly decided to go back. I told her that on the following day, we will go home together. The following day was also mom's burial.
I also, finally, decided, to send a text message to my aunt, saying that we will be home the next day. She replied that it could have been better if we could be home right then but I did not reply anymore.
The sad thing is we hadn't got any time to do a vigil. Because I was scared.
I did not sleep well Saturday night and I just waited for the crack of dawn. I prepared some things to bring. I did not even take a shower. I just tied my hair, rode on a cab to the terminal and met my brother there. We left the city around 7:00 in the morning. I look terrible.
My heart was beating fast and I felt so down that breathing came in so heavy. I haven't decided if Ill stay for the night.
Along the way, many, many things crossed my mind, scenes of our arrival, the people I will see, the family I've grown to hate and love at the same time, the face of my mom inside the coffin and etc. I remembered past events in our lives together. I counted the years that we've been together. The countless times we had cold-wars. Just everything that my memory can offer me while I was sitting uncomfortably at the buses seat.
Mixed emotions it was that I felt. Sadness, guilt, pride, anger, sorrow, grief rolled into one and I could not help but let tears rolled down my cheeks. Time seemed to pass by so slow, it was killing me, the longer it takes and the closer we were makes my heart even heavier.
The judgement time came close as we arrived at our hometown. I dared not look into people's faces afraid that they might recognized me. We went uphill, directly to my aunt's house where my mom's body was laid before the burial later at 1:00 in the afternoon. God knows how much strength it takes for me to move every step closer to our destination. Along the way, we met our ReEd teacher in high school. He greeted us and extended his thoughts and condolences to us. he was glad that we were home in time for the burial. After the brief encounter, we continue to the house.
I'm not quite sure if I heard shouts but I hear someone announced our arrival. We walked slowly since it was also muddy. I hate mud. Upon seeing the coffin, I could not tell what exactly I felt. As we approached nearer, we first showed our respect to the elders and aunt told us to look at the coffin first. I breath in and took all the courage and strength left in me to approach my mom's death bed. There lay my mom, white from the make-up. The coffin was small, which explains her thinness underneath the pieces of clothes she's wearing. Her face was hollow, somehow the make-up brought color to her deathly face. I cried. A shallow cry from the depths of my hurting soul. I do not what to do, I stand there with my mother, with one relative hugging my brother. My brother's way stiff. I know he had mustered every courage and strength he had to spare him from crying. He has his reasons and I respect that.
We arrived at around 10:00 in the morning. So, more or less, we had 2 or 3 hours to prepare. That gives our relatives time to talk and entertain us, you know, just to make the atmosphere lighter.
Our grandparents were not there yet, they were in the store, so aunt had to call them saying that we had arrived. They immediately went there. When grandmother saw me she was teary-eyed but I stopped her, I told her not to cry because I hate seeing such reaction.
So, noon came. People were arriving to join us with the burial. People, neighbors I know but I just don't care. My mind was saying, I just want this to be over. Some people walk their way to the church, my aunt included. But, me an my brother, we rode on the car.
In the church, I was chosen to read the 2nd reading, I did not felt nervous because I'm gonna read in front of many people, there was another dead person in that mass too, aside from mom, but because its in Cebuano language which I'm born by tongue but rarely practice most especially because I'm an English teacher.
After the mass, the walk to the cemetery came next. As a last thing I could do for mom, I walked all the way to the cemetery with my aunt and other relatives and mom's friends and acquaintances, My grandparents and brother rode on the car. I keep my head low while walking, I'm avoiding people's eyes, I don't wanna see their reactions, I just hate it.
I looked back and saw my mom's high school friends. Somehow these people cared for her until her last days and it made me happy.
I didn't cry as aunt close the casket, I was hurt the way she said goodbye as she closed it. It sound inappropriate. Well, its done.
We stayed for like an hour, talking and waiting to close the grave, we ate the snacks prepared and after a while we went back home and bid our farewell. My brother didn't want to skip classes and I don't wanna mourn their. So, we decided to head right away back to the city.
I did not cry but it doesn't mean I'm not hurting. On the way back to the city, as the sun began to set in the sky and the chilly wind started to make me feel cold, my tears slowly fell from my eyes, barely noticeable.
I am in grief yet I refused to mourn. Because I don't know how it's supposed to be.
Every single day I think about mom and it hurts me that I was not able to say goodbye. It hurts me that I failed to served and thanked her for everything she gave to me. I feel guilty that I let her feel valueless even on her dying days. I was not there to support her, comfort her and take care of her. Now, I can attest to the saying, that you'll never know the value of one person, unless they're gone.
I will forever think of her and how sorry I am for all my faults and in-sensitiveness. I could never turn back time and all i can do is to think of her happy days when we're together.
Ma, I'm so sorry, I took you for granted. Wherever you are right now, I hope you are happy. I hope you had found in your heart to forgive my brother and I hope that he too can forgive you for your flaws. Look upon us. Rest in peace Ma. One day, we'll meet again. On that day I'll be able to tell you how grateful I am because you're my mom. I will never forget you. I miss you so much~ I love you.
