I never knew...

I never knew
that it would hurt like this..
If only I knew..

messy Irene on Sept. 5, '08

I don't know where to start..
it's just so hard..
so hard to type in detailed
events that happen to me last night...
I thought it was just a
plain drinking session
to celebrate Aldrin's birthday...
I promise myself that
I wont mess up the night...
I don't even think
that I really got too drunk
to do such silly and stupid
things that I really did last night...
I was happy that we've done
the drinking session near the boarding house
and we observe limitations to our
voices so not to disturb the sleeping neighbors...
because the reviewer were still awake that time...
I'd like to see them passin' by...
and seeing me getting drunk...
but as the night go deeper
I never expect that something
would hurt me too much...
so much...
and I could not help but cry
everything out....
It was just a stupid word...
from a stupid person...
I know why I can't cry on ordinary days...
but now I know...
Last night I found a reason to
burst out my tears...
to spill everything out...
I know what I'm doing...
am not that drunk...
but its just that the influence
of alcohol got into my
stupid brain and I'm willing to do
just anything and I don't care
what it will cause me....
I shouted at him
calling him in a stupid way...
but I was not expecting that he would wait
for me in the gate of the boarding house..
I was horrified...
too scared to admit my fault...
he blocked my way
and never let me pass,....
he asked me again and again
if whats wrong with me..
but I do not remember too clearly what I had said...
I was just too embarrass to even
look at him straight in the eyes...
but he never even tried to hold me...
I remember I was trembling...
then he let me walk away..
I started to cry again..
this time I breakdown....
I wanna die..
I remember I was about to cross the street..
and theres a cab that stops to see
if something is wrong..
my friends brought me back to the
boarding house..
and they comforted me...
thanks to them that they were there...
they let me sleep...
and I cried myself to sleep a few hours ago.....

When I Wake Up.....

when I wake up
I felt so stupid...
so ashamed of what I did..
I don't know how to
go out of the house....
and then another thought
bothered me...
He may never and will never
go near me.....

hahahhahahhah....

that would surely hurt..
guess I have to say
bye bye to this feeling....
last night was the end
of everything.....
I have burst it all out..........

is it the start?

am I startin' all over again...??


tryin' so hard
to forget
and let go
of that someone
who had never been mine....

I'm starting to live
a world of my own..
seeing my self alone
in the middle of a busy street...

hearing my own
hearts secret wail
of the pain that
it's tryin' to ease...

I'm startin' to blind myself
putting you in the oblivion
I created for myself..

I'm hearing only the
music from my mp3..
tryin' not to hear you laugh...

I'm startin' and still tryin'......

a buzzzyy and gloomy day....

First day of the month of September...
and its a Monday
after the week long celebration of the Intramurals...
and OMG!!
The teachers, they're putting
us in hell today...
very demanding and so OVER....
I felt so tired..
so stressed out...
so drained...
and so blue...

Gloomy, because
no matter what I do
I don't make such improvement...
I mean nothing really happens...
He pass by and
he didn't even say HI!!!
Thats so sad,,...
I pity myself
for feeling like this
towards a person
who doesn't feel
the same way that I do.....

what a waste!!!!!