am lost....

am lost
in my own solitary prison
I've made for myself......
I often say this line
'cause I have a strong feeling
that it really fits me...
as Irene Marie.......

am lost
in this place
wherein one day
I'll just woke up
realizing that I
could not traverse
the road back
to the past....

wasted

I know..
I still know..
I wanna vomit..
I feel so bad..
My head is aching..
I feel like
I'm really gonna throw up..
I'm just so mad at myself
and with the
people around me....
I'm drunk..
no doubt about that!!!!

what makes me..

what makes me sad:

is the reality that

even if I'd do everything

and give up everything

I still wont have you

I still wont have a space'

even a small space,

in your heart..................

T_T

ouch......super... T_T

I just read his comment

and his question...

his question almost made me cry....

ouchie,,...it really hurts...

I think he likes somebody else

a young girl..

so innocent..

not like me...

my God!!!

I never wanna feel this..

no way..

not again..

not now..

not with him...

I really can't tell it all...

I feel so down..

I wanna

breakdown..

and

cry

and

cry...

until the last drop

of my tears fall

from my eyes!!!!!

I feel so helpless...

so naive...

I wanna go home

and cry myself

to sleep..

I know this will

happen..

but it's too soon

I don't expect this..

I'm such an idiot right now...

wishin' he would fall for me

when it's so impossible...

is this the last time

I'll ever dream of you

to be mine???

I just wanna let go

and stop this foolishness,,...

please,,..

I don't wanna cry

and end up hurtin' myself.....

a gloomy mownin...

I woke up
so late this morning..
feeling so tired
to even do a slightest move...
so tired to rise from my bed..
feeling that theres nothing
to look forward to this day..
With Lalai gone
and with my heart broken
how am I supposed to
begin my day??
I really have no better idea
on how to start my day and end it..
I even don't think
that I can put a smile om my sad face..
I feel like going home
and sleep for the rest
of the day..
until classes resume next week..
I'm not enjoying
'cause I have cause myself
to suffer in my
hearts own stupid reasons!!!!!!

seeing you only means....

seeing you only means....


I'm breaking my heart..


I'm crying in silence..


I'm wrenching my soul..


I'm falling against false hope..


I'm wishin'..


I'm longing..


I'm turnin' myself into a loser...


It's makin' me bleed........

distress.......

phewww..!!!!!!
how sad...
so disappointing...
so weakening...
I felt so down...
so weak inside...
because I am expecting...
I came from the gadja
which almost turn my mood upside down
I was so tired going with Melody
only to find out that her text mate
wont make an appearance..
That guy is so terrifying ang horrifying!!
How could he show no interest
to my friend,
no efforts at all,
He's not even handsome!!!!!
I'll kill him if I'll see him again!!
swear!!!

I was so anxious to went home..
so I can go to the net shop
to open my friendster account
because I am excited
'cause I know I've got a comment
and a message
waiting for my reply
only to be disappointed...
Because I am expecting
something more...
more than just the message
I had receive from him today...

I don't know
but it's making me weak inside..

It had burned out all my hope..
giving proof that he really is
not interested in me!!!!

how sad...
he can't see me
as someone who he
could be with for sometime
here in the city...

I felt like crying...

I know
I should not expect..
but it's hard...
really hard!!!!

How I wish this
fee4ling would just go and
vanish for all eternity!!!!

I want you

I want you

but I can't have you

because you don't like me

I am not your priority

and worst of all

you like someone else

you didn't even care..

didn't even bother...

I'm scared

I might get hurt

I might cry again..


I hate to expect

I might be disappointed....


I hate to hope

only to be failed....



I hate to wait

I might regret it..



I hate to love in silence

when you are deaf..

you don't hear the beat of my heart

every time that I see you...


I hate to dream of you

when you didn't even dream of me.


I hate to see you

when you don't even see me...

'cause you don't see how

much I am glad when you pass by..



PEOPLE, they want

someone else for me..

somebody else likes me..



BUT, I only want YOU..

I only like YOU..

and

no one else....



Would it be like this

forever..?

just hello
and
goodbye!!!!!!!!!

I wanna.......

I wanna fall..

I wanna fall inlove again..

.....but time wont let me....

......fate wont allow me......

I wanna be with someone

....who will love me

....who will care for me

....who will cuddle me

....who will give me affection

....who will laugh at my silly jokes

....who will hold my hand

....who will give me comfort

....who will give me security

....who will give me a reason to smile everyday

....who will give me a tight hug

....who will lightly kiss me to ease my pain

....who will make me laugh the hardest

....who will love my clumsiness

....who will tie my hair

....who will wipe my tears away

....who will swift me off my feet

....who will look at me lovingly

..someone..

....who will not make me weep

....who will not ignore me

....who will not hurt me

....who will not break my heart again

and that someone

I want it to be YOU...


YOU who can give me the world


YOU who can give your whole heart to me!!!!!

no more HE....

no more HE...

HE is so near,yet

He is so far away...

HE will never come close...

He will never come close to me again

HE can never stare at me

He will never see me smile again

He can never hold my hand

HE will never see me laugh with him

HE can't talk to me again

HE will never say hi to me

HE have no chances anymore

He can never tell me that

He likes me,nor say that

He loves me.....and

HE

HE is gone...

......forever.......

and what about I???

no more I....

I can never be with him

I will always be far away

I will never come close to him

I will never came close to him again

I will never see him stare at me

I will never smile at him

I will never let him hold my hand

I can never laugh with him

I can't never talk to him

I will never say hi to him

I will not give him a chance

I can never tell that

I like him too....that

I might fall in love with him...

I...

I am broken by false hope

I am broken by you......

I will be gone

.....forever.....

crap on me for bein' wasted

CRAP!!!!
here I go again pretending to be okay when in fact I am not,
I dont know whats wrong with me!!!
Maybe I just want to be away from this reality that keeps on bothering me..
One day I felt so happy but suddenly
the next day I feel so sad and so alone again!!!!
I couldn't be me because
I wanna be someone else
who can't feel the pain I am feelin' right now!!!!
Thats why I have to drink...
I wanna get drunk...
so I can escape from my own solitary prison
I've made for myself!!!!
I know I'm wasted but
I just love every moment of my ignorance
and seeing my guts out from my very own self...
I love feelin' every drop of alocohol
filling every weak veins of my system
makin' mo hotter and even more unconcsious of my gestures
and attitudes to the people I don't even remember after gettin' drunk...
I dont drink because I wanna forget
I can never forget..
....never...
I drink to stay alive,,..
I drink to escape for a while...
I drink so I can spit out every inch of my soul..
so I can tell...
I can shout even louder...
I can talk confidently,,...
I can laugh...
so I can be me...
no crappy-crappy thing
and
not just being 'wasted'!!!!!!!!

he knows...

he was there...
selling their t-shirts..
I saw how he approach the passers-by
but wen we pass by
he didn't approach us...
Does he know about us?
about me???
or was it just
our imagination???
If he knows
then why is he
avoiding us???
questions...
unanswered
feelings...
mere imagination
I wish he would
go near me...
but he disappointed me...
why
Sam???....

And he made me:

smile

cry

tremble

shake

....and worst of all


he......


made me fall for him....

Sam Jordan

♥
♥