tears are drying

pretensions of a bitch.....

whose the bitch in here...?
none other than me....
pretending to be okay
when I'm not....
pretending to be happy
when I'm sad....
pretending to be smiling
when I'm crying....
pretending to be deaf
when I can hear...
pretending to be blind
when I can see...
pretending to be numb
when I can really feel....


I am not okay
because you are ignoring me...
I am sad
because you're leaving away....
I am crying
because you don't like me....
I am deaf
because I don't want to
miss your voice....
I am blind
because I don't want to
miss your presence....
I am numb
because I don't want to
miss your simple touch......


pretensions is what
make me go on...
it made me feel stronger...
it made the feeling go away...
it prevented me
from falling much much deeper...
and its also the reason...
why I cry silently at night...
why I listen to a goodbye song...
why I felt so stupid all a long...
why I gaze into space so often....
and
why I put myself in vain...

I am living in the
world full of pretensions
it is my means of surviving....

It's my only way
to say goodbye to you Lemuel....













I have to pretend all the time
to deny myself that you're leaving,
that you don't like me...
I don't want to see you go...
just go away...
sooner I will forget you...
sooner I'll be happy...
sooner I'll be me again.....
my old self when I hadn't met you yet...

It's so sad we have
to part like this...
It hurts me even more
because you're treating me
like a fool...
and you are just happy
being linked to me...
you keep on smiling
when in fact you really don't care....
you don't give a damn...
I don't want to hate you...
I want you to be
a memory I will cherish forever...
Someone who will remind me
of a good past....

I appreciate those times
that you seem to care...
I'm still glad..
I know you're aware
of my feelings....
you know..
and I tried to understand,
though it hurts,
why you can't feel the same towards me....


at least you know...
I think it's the simplest thing
that I can offer myself....

history keeps on repeating itself....
same thing happens with you
and your cousin...

well,do I have anything to do
with what fate has set upon me?...

I am not destined to your cousin...
nor
I am not destined to you, Lemuel.....













Thanks for crossing my way, LEMUEL......

see......

I knew it....
he really doesn't
even care....

wasted but love it......

I'm flying
but I'm still n earth....
am drunk
but I'm never
this well in drinking........

now I'm hurting....

exactly...
I know this will
happen...
last night
everything
went right....
but when I'm in
front of the PC now...
everything is not
on the right track....
how I wish
I'd just went home.....
I already cried..
it just feels so heavy
within....
i think
this is
another
painful goodbye....

I hate to go....

I hate to go..
for it will break my heart in two....
it"ll make me cry...
because I know
when I'll be back
I'll no longer see him...
I'm not gonna see him
forever,,,,...
and
that's just so painful for me...
I could not take it....
I could not bare the pain
that it"ll cause me...

He is just so
so
so
irresistible....
I don't know why..
but I don't wanna feel
the same way I feel
towards his cousin...
I should not cry...
not again..
for someone
who is not mine...
it's so pathetic of me...
but the heaviness I feel now
is true,,..
I wanna cry
no matter how pathetic I look....
The day I'll leave
this place
will also be a shattered day...
I may cry..
I may become numb...
I may never be happy
for the rest of the semester break......

I wish
I didn't have to think about it...
I wish
it didn't have to happen.....
I wish
I didn't hope that much....

I shouldn't be miserable today....

I know this will just pass..
I hope this feelin'
will go away sooner....
I don't want to bare the
pain for too long
for it will
slowly wrench my heart.....

Lemuel...
just go away..
I know you'll just be
a part of my life today....
and tomorrow...
and the next day...
you'll be gone....
FOREVER.....
just like everybody else.....

..they just come and go...
..leavin' me again
in my own solitude........


I know,
that someday
you'll be just a fragment,
a piece,
of this so worn out memory...

You'll belong
in my past..
you'll be my yesterday..
a part of my teenage history....

But amidst all
the longing that I've been
through that didn't come true...
I still wanna thank you
for that a simple glance of you
doesn't fail to
give color to all the gloomy days
this semester.....

seeing you
brought shivers to my spine...
butterflies flutter
in my stomach....
and it made wonders
within me...
I'll surely miss the
sight of you.....

Your smile
would forever stay,
nailed,
in my mind....
for it can melt my heart....

I will never forget that night...
when fate decided
to bring us together...
..in the right place
but at the wrong time....

i know you were drunk then..
and I'm not that drunk...
I love the feeling..
the feel of your hands
against my bare skin....
the cold ballpoint of the
pen you're using
when writing down your
number brought
different wondrous sensation
in the dept of my soul
that
I can never describe....

The attention
you were giving me that night
is irreplaceable....
It made me wish now
that that night would never have to end..
that it would continue forever..
so I will never have to suffer
from it now....

that night..
what ever happen that night...
I will always ask God
to play it again and again
in my own memory...

I will never have enough of it...
I wont get enough of it...

I know Lemuel...

"that what happens
here in Cebu, will stay
in Cebu.."

"You will forget Me...
and I will forget You.."


GB