pretensions of a bitch.....

whose the bitch in here...?
none other than me....
pretending to be okay
when I'm not....
pretending to be happy
when I'm sad....
pretending to be smiling
when I'm crying....
pretending to be deaf
when I can hear...
pretending to be blind
when I can see...
pretending to be numb
when I can really feel....


I am not okay
because you are ignoring me...
I am sad
because you're leaving away....
I am crying
because you don't like me....
I am deaf
because I don't want to
miss your voice....
I am blind
because I don't want to
miss your presence....
I am numb
because I don't want to
miss your simple touch......


pretensions is what
make me go on...
it made me feel stronger...
it made the feeling go away...
it prevented me
from falling much much deeper...
and its also the reason...
why I cry silently at night...
why I listen to a goodbye song...
why I felt so stupid all a long...
why I gaze into space so often....
and
why I put myself in vain...

I am living in the
world full of pretensions
it is my means of surviving....

It's my only way
to say goodbye to you Lemuel....













I have to pretend all the time
to deny myself that you're leaving,
that you don't like me...
I don't want to see you go...
just go away...
sooner I will forget you...
sooner I'll be happy...
sooner I'll be me again.....
my old self when I hadn't met you yet...

It's so sad we have
to part like this...
It hurts me even more
because you're treating me
like a fool...
and you are just happy
being linked to me...
you keep on smiling
when in fact you really don't care....
you don't give a damn...
I don't want to hate you...
I want you to be
a memory I will cherish forever...
Someone who will remind me
of a good past....

I appreciate those times
that you seem to care...
I'm still glad..
I know you're aware
of my feelings....
you know..
and I tried to understand,
though it hurts,
why you can't feel the same towards me....


at least you know...
I think it's the simplest thing
that I can offer myself....

history keeps on repeating itself....
same thing happens with you
and your cousin...

well,do I have anything to do
with what fate has set upon me?...

I am not destined to your cousin...
nor
I am not destined to you, Lemuel.....













Thanks for crossing my way, LEMUEL......