The Longest Trip Home

My mother died on the 6th of January 2012. 5 days after I left on New Year's day.
My cousin, Kenny, called me 6:00 in the morning to deliver the news.

I was still tired and sleepy as I picked up my old phone. The number appeared unregistered, so I asked who it was when I answered but I immediately recognized the voice. His voice was so slow and my guts told me that something really happened back home. I was expecting a call from him if something happened at home, like mom's death. From his voice I could already tell his news even if hadn't spilled it yet.

My mind was like, I knew it. I saw it coming. I only told him okay and he further discuss what I should do but his words did penetrate in my head. I ended the call and sat and lie in bed. And slowly it sank in me. I hugged my pillow tightly, I held my breath afraid to let a sob be heard. And one thing cross my mind, "Wa nakoy mama" "I have no mother". And I wept. My Aunt, her sister, called me numerous time before I left for work but I chose to ignore all her incoming calls. I ate breakfast. Went to my morning job and did not bother to tell anybody about my situation. It was nauseating to be working with such needles pinching my heart. I was floating the whole day and was not in the mood for a good class with my students. Luckily it was my rest day at my poor work at Bloom Partner's Inc. I was scheduled to met my brother that day, too.

After work, I headed downtown to met my brother. Still, I did not tell him about mom's death, because I want him to go home and discovered it for himself. I looked at him and imagined his reaction when he'll know about it. After dinner and giving him money, I went home with a very heavy heart, I thought I might pass out along the streets.

I sent a text message to my best friend, Ayen, she was the first to know about my mom's death. She asked when I will go home and what I will do, and I told her to keep it a secret from the others still, I'll find the right time to tell them.

Because I did not know what to do and my mind was somewhere far from my senses, I did not go home immediately. Yes! I'm a useless daughter! I admit that! It was my first encounter with death in the family so I can't help but feel useless and ignorant and lost!

I slept and still managed to go to my part-time and poor work at Bloom Partner's Inc. When I arrived I talked with my Team leader, Bea, about the situation I am in, I cried. She opened a conference room so we can talk in private. She insisted that I should leave right away but I strongly opposed and decided to stay. We decided to tell the supervisor present at that day and we came up with the decision that I'll be absent for several days to give myself time to mourn.
On the same day, my brother went home and went immediately back to the city. He already found out and was not able to control the situation so he roughly decided to go back. I told her that on the following day, we will go home together. The following day was also mom's burial.
I also, finally, decided, to send a text message to my aunt, saying that we will be home the next day. She replied that it could have been better if we could be home right then but I did not reply anymore.

The sad thing is we hadn't got any time to do a vigil. Because I was scared.

I did not sleep well Saturday night and I just waited for the crack of dawn. I prepared some things to bring. I did not even take a shower. I just tied my hair, rode on a cab to the terminal and met my brother there. We left the city around 7:00 in the morning. I look terrible.
My heart was beating fast and I felt so down that breathing came in so heavy. I haven't decided if Ill stay for the night.

Along the way, many, many things crossed my mind, scenes of our arrival, the people I will see, the family I've grown to hate and love at the same time, the face of my mom inside the coffin and etc. I remembered past events in our lives together. I counted the years that we've been together. The countless times we had cold-wars. Just everything that my memory can offer me while I was sitting uncomfortably at the buses seat.
Mixed emotions it was that I felt. Sadness, guilt, pride, anger, sorrow, grief rolled into one and I could not help but let tears rolled down my cheeks. Time seemed to pass by so slow, it was killing me, the longer it takes and the closer we were makes my heart even heavier.

The judgement time came close as we arrived at our hometown. I dared not look into people's faces afraid that they might recognized me. We went uphill, directly to my aunt's house where my mom's body was laid before the burial later at 1:00 in the afternoon. God knows how much strength it takes for me to move every step closer to our destination. Along the way, we met our ReEd teacher in high school. He greeted us and extended his thoughts and condolences to us. he was glad that we were home in time for the burial. After the brief encounter, we continue to the house.

I'm not quite sure if I heard shouts but I hear someone announced our arrival. We walked slowly since it was also muddy. I hate mud. Upon seeing the coffin, I could not tell what exactly I felt. As we approached nearer, we first showed our respect to the elders and aunt told us to look at the coffin first. I breath in and took all the courage and strength left in me to approach my mom's death bed. There lay my mom, white from the make-up. The coffin was small, which explains her thinness underneath the pieces of clothes she's wearing. Her face was hollow, somehow the make-up brought color to her deathly face. I cried. A shallow cry from the depths of my hurting soul. I do not what to do, I stand there with my mother, with one relative hugging my brother. My brother's way stiff. I know he had mustered every courage and strength he had to spare him from crying. He has his reasons and I respect that.

We arrived at around 10:00 in the morning. So, more or less, we had 2 or 3 hours to prepare. That gives our relatives time to talk and entertain us, you know, just to make the atmosphere lighter.
Our grandparents were not there yet, they were in the store, so aunt had to call them saying that we had arrived. They immediately went there. When grandmother saw me she was teary-eyed but I stopped her, I told her not to cry because I hate seeing such reaction.

So, noon came. People were arriving to join us with the burial. People, neighbors I know but I just don't care. My mind was saying, I just want this to be over. Some people walk their way to the church, my aunt included. But, me an my brother, we rode on the car.
In the church, I was chosen to read the 2nd reading, I did not felt nervous because I'm gonna read in front of many people, there was another dead person in that mass too, aside from mom, but because its in Cebuano language which I'm born by tongue but rarely practice most especially because I'm an English teacher.

After the mass, the walk to the cemetery came next. As a last thing I could do for mom, I walked all the way to the cemetery with my aunt and other relatives and mom's friends and acquaintances, My grandparents and brother rode on the car. I keep my head low while walking, I'm avoiding people's eyes, I don't wanna see their reactions, I just hate it.

I looked back and saw my mom's high school friends. Somehow these people cared for her until her last days and it made me happy.
I didn't cry as aunt close the casket, I was hurt the way she said goodbye as she closed it. It sound inappropriate. Well, its done.
We stayed for like an hour, talking and waiting to close the grave, we ate the snacks prepared and after a while we went back home and bid our farewell. My brother didn't want to skip classes and I don't wanna mourn their. So, we decided to head right away back to the city.

I did not cry but it doesn't mean I'm not hurting. On the way back to the city, as the sun began to set in the sky and the chilly wind started to make me feel cold, my tears slowly fell from my eyes, barely noticeable.

I am in grief yet I refused to mourn. Because I don't know how it's supposed to be.
Every single day I think about mom and it hurts me that I was not able to say goodbye. It hurts me that I failed to served and thanked her for everything she gave to me. I feel guilty that I let her feel valueless even on her dying days. I was not there to support her, comfort her and take care of her. Now, I can attest to the saying, that you'll never know the value of one person, unless they're gone.

I will forever think of her and how sorry I am for all my faults and in-sensitiveness. I could never turn back time and all i can do is to think of her happy days when we're together.

Ma, I'm so sorry, I took you for granted. Wherever you are right now, I hope you are happy. I hope you had found in your heart to forgive my brother and I hope that he too can forgive you for your flaws. Look upon us. Rest in peace Ma. One day, we'll meet again. On that day I'll be able to tell you how grateful I am because you're my mom. I will never forget you. I miss you so much~ I love you.

I love my Mama Odette

No words can best describe the pain a daughter feels for not seeing her mom fight for her life, the pain when there were no last words, no goodbyes. She left us with nothing, that's totally okay but leaving us like this is a memory I will forever remember everyday.


I was pretending to be so busy with my poor work at Bloom Partners Inc. that I didn't went home Christmas of 2011. I promised to be home by New Year's eve and I did only to find out my mother was already bedridden. My heart sank upon seeing her lithe figure, totally bone-thin. I dared not look at her for too long. I could not even remember now if I took her hand and showed my respect. All I can remember was my mind shouting loudly to my ears, "She'll be fine soon", it sounds more of a lie than self-comforting words. I remember I called her and she responded, I tried to make a calm reply but my voice trembled. Instead, I put my bags down, went out and sit down on my grandmother's store, catching my breath. I was looking through oblivion as my grandfather came to sit on the old rocking chair opposite me. He was the one who opened the gate as I arrived as early as 7 am in the morning. I was wondering why they were still closed at that time and I had an inkling feeling that something's really not right, and I was right.

The shock was numbing. The denial was, I thought, easy to cope. I cannot speak- I cannot utter a word. So many things were running in my head, "Why is this happening?!" "What am I supposed to do?" "How are we gonna celebrate New Year?" I felt cold, I could not move my mouth, I felt dizzy, lost, emotionless. My grandfather continued speaking and all I did is take in all his words and sometimes I had to think twice if I was really hearing the correct words from him, I simply was not thinking straight, how can I? When my ears are trying to listen to my mom moaning in pain. And in my head it was a moan of DEATH, the five letter word I'm so hesitant to talk about.

My grandfather then started to tell me what had happened that cause my mom to lay ill in bed. My mom, for the last 5 days, right after Christmas, was already suffering from the intolerable pain that the Long Bar scoliosis brought to her young life. Her back was clearly shaped in "S". I learned later in the evening, as I talked with my brother, that maybe what puts her in the situation was the accident when she slipped on the stairs while going to our room upstairs. He said that after that she crawled up the stairs just so she can get to the bedroom. Grandfather said that she still forced herself to move and do her daily chores until she could not take it any longer and call upon my grandfather for assistance. He said that the moan was because of too much pain. My mother had suffered unendurable pain during these days and my grandfather decided to transfer her bed in the living room to make it a lot easier for her. He also discovered that my mom had troubles in peeing and that most of the times she peed on the floor because she can't stand up easily anymore. That's the time that my mom started wearing adult diapers.

Grandfather continued talking, I really tried not to listen because I don't wanna cry. Actually, I couldn't cry that time because I couldn't tell any relevant emotions that would best describe how I felt, just NUMB. But these words struck me the most, the words of a hurting father that is in too much pain upon seeing her youngest daughter on the crossroads of death, "Sakit kaayo para nako tan-awon, nga mas ma-una pa ug kamatay akong anak, kay dapat ang mga ginikanan man ang una mangamatay" "It's so painful for me to see that my child will have to die first, usually, it's the parents who die first". These were the words that hit me like a knife right then. I never expected to hear those words from grandfather, who, all the time, engaged in word-fights with mom. I grew up without a father, so, this leaves a deep impact on me. He then told me how he took care of my mom, giving her food, assisting her, making her drink medicine. The other painful story he has to tell were consoling words, like preparing myself for the worse, because the worst has yet to come. He sounds so sure that in no time mom will be taken away from us.

It was almost a couple of hours, and all I did was sit, stare, nod, sit,. stare nod until I muster the courage to go inside and greet my mom. This time she was already in the dining area. Sitting with her head resting on the peak of the back rest of the old metal chair, eyes closed, moaning slowly and breathing hard. I approached her slowly taking all in my mind what a dreary picture I see of her. The mom I used to have cold-war often, the mom who listens to my story as I arrived from the city, the mom who waits excitedly for the return of her daughter with presents, her smiles, the mom I pictured was no longer there. She was replaced by a tiny figure, with long greasy grey hair, a hollow face and hollow eyes. I called her, I tried to be brave, I take her bony hand in mine and brought it to my forehead. When she talked, she was catching her breath. It scared me, cause I can feel that the bones in her back are squeezing her heart making it difficult for her to speak. I've researched the illness and the harm it does to people, like my mom, if not treated, that's where my knowledge comes in. We talked for a while, no not a while, just a bit, just to let her see me. I told her to stay put and I'll just do something in the kitchen. But. the truth is, I can't stand seeing her move and accompanied by a painful moan, rather, shout, I just want her to sit like that.

I left her, I went to the store, I find comfort sitting on the old rocking chair still deep in my thoughts. Indeed, I was useless. I couldn't do anything. I have no money and all I wanted that time was to disappear. I wanted to go back to the city, I wanted to run and forget everything I saw. But I was there, and there's no turning back. I told myself that I'll return to the city at the crack of dawn on New Year's day. It was my final decision.

December 31, 2011 was the longest day of my life. After the decision I made. I decided to take a nap before doing something else. Yes, I still managed to take a nap, my eyes closed but my mind so far away, filled with scary and gloomy thoughts of what might soon to happen. I passed by her, told her I'd be taking a nap. I'm a light sleeper, I tried to listen to music so I cannot hear her moans, but as I decided to stop listening after a few hours, I heard her call my name. I went down and asked why, she asked me to ask grandmother if someone's looking for her. As I asked grandmother. She told me it was her high school friend, the one who funded her expensive check-up not so long ago. My temper aroused when she insisted on going out to met her friend.

And it happened, I changed her diaper, I wanted to yell at her and she was still able to make a joke out of it. Me changing an adult her diaper which should have been me changing the diaper of my child. LAME! but I couldn't be angry! I changed her clothes, too. I told her to stay and I will send someone to tell her friend to come at our house instead of her going. But as stubborn as I was, she did go. I let her and I didn't bother helping. I went to my bedroom and sleep until she returned. I just went down when it was already dark. By that time she was preparing to sleep. I went to the kitchen, get the stuff I brought from the city and started cooking. I talked with my brother. I talked with my grandmother who was lighthearted but with the deepest unexplainable pain in her eyes.

The night went by, we ate, while my mom was trying to doze off, constantly moaning in pain and breathing heavily. Grandfather added that he had many sleepless nights listening to my mom's moan because it scares him, whatever happens while he was fast asleep scares him. After dinner, I went to bed upstairs and will just wait for midnight to come. As midnight came, I went down, listen to my mom's breathing, I, too, was scared. My grandmother handed me a trumpet, it was quarter to midnight. My brother and grandfather were asleep which left me and grandmother to celebrate New Year together. I tried to smile and liven the atmosphere but my heart's too heavy and I felt numb still. After almost an hour, I ate little and decided to go to bed.

As I was lying in bed, I thought of many things which I cannot recall now. I cannot tell if I was able to really sleep but when I woke up I hurriedly pack my things and bid them goodbye. When I approached my mom, she wanted me to pull her legs so she can stand up, maybe she wanted to hug me that time, but I pretended that I cannot pull her, that she was too heavy, partly, it was true because seeing her made me weak. She stop insisting, she even wanted me to call grandfather to pull her, but I told her he was not close, so she gave up, instead I took her hand but I could not reach it well, so I was not able to bid her farewell formally. I was impatient, I wanted to leave the place as soon as possible. Before I could go she said one thing, she wanted me to send her money when I get my salary and I promised myself that I will really send her money.

For all the things I did in that brief stay which was not good makes me regretful today. If only! Yes! I had a feeling that it might be the last time in seeing her but I console myself saying that she's a strong woman and that she will recover from the illness soon. I was thinking, it was not fatal, even if I knew it was.

January 1, 2012 : I left home half-knowing that it might be the last encounter between me and my mother.
On new year's day, I left my mom hurting, in total pain and I did not even let her feel my presence. But on that day, I left with a heavy heart because I am a useless daughter who could not do anything for her dying mother.

Now, how do you think I feel?
All along, I wanted to feel fine. But, I'm not.


The beginning of the year was the last time I saw my mother breathing the same air with me. The last time she held my hands. The last time I saw her pale face. The last time.

The last time I have a mother, the last time she called me. The last time for everything between us.