No words can best describe the pain a daughter feels for not seeing her mom fight for her life, the pain when there were no last words, no goodbyes. She left us with nothing, that's totally okay but leaving us like this is a memory I will forever remember everyday.
I was pretending to be so busy with my poor work at Bloom Partners Inc. that I didn't went home Christmas of 2011. I promised to be home by New Year's eve and I did only to find out my mother was already bedridden. My heart sank upon seeing her lithe figure, totally bone-thin. I dared not look at her for too long. I could not even remember now if I took her hand and showed my respect. All I can remember was my mind shouting loudly to my ears, "She'll be fine soon", it sounds more of a lie than self-comforting words. I remember I called her and she responded, I tried to make a calm reply but my voice trembled. Instead, I put my bags down, went out and sit down on my grandmother's store, catching my breath. I was looking through oblivion as my grandfather came to sit on the old rocking chair opposite me. He was the one who opened the gate as I arrived as early as 7 am in the morning. I was wondering why they were still closed at that time and I had an inkling feeling that something's really not right, and I was right.
The shock was numbing. The denial was, I thought, easy to cope. I cannot speak- I cannot utter a word. So many things were running in my head, "Why is this happening?!" "What am I supposed to do?" "How are we gonna celebrate New Year?" I felt cold, I could not move my mouth, I felt dizzy, lost, emotionless. My grandfather continued speaking and all I did is take in all his words and sometimes I had to think twice if I was really hearing the correct words from him, I simply was not thinking straight, how can I? When my ears are trying to listen to my mom moaning in pain. And in my head it was a moan of DEATH, the five letter word I'm so hesitant to talk about.
My grandfather then started to tell me what had happened that cause my mom to lay ill in bed. My mom, for the last 5 days, right after Christmas, was already suffering from the intolerable pain that the Long Bar scoliosis brought to her young life. Her back was clearly shaped in "S". I learned later in the evening, as I talked with my brother, that maybe what puts her in the situation was the accident when she slipped on the stairs while going to our room upstairs. He said that after that she crawled up the stairs just so she can get to the bedroom. Grandfather said that she still forced herself to move and do her daily chores until she could not take it any longer and call upon my grandfather for assistance. He said that the moan was because of too much pain. My mother had suffered unendurable pain during these days and my grandfather decided to transfer her bed in the living room to make it a lot easier for her. He also discovered that my mom had troubles in peeing and that most of the times she peed on the floor because she can't stand up easily anymore. That's the time that my mom started wearing adult diapers.
Grandfather continued talking, I really tried not to listen because I don't wanna cry. Actually, I couldn't cry that time because I couldn't tell any relevant emotions that would best describe how I felt, just NUMB. But these words struck me the most, the words of a hurting father that is in too much pain upon seeing her youngest daughter on the crossroads of death, "Sakit kaayo para nako tan-awon, nga mas ma-una pa ug kamatay akong anak, kay dapat ang mga ginikanan man ang una mangamatay" "It's so painful for me to see that my child will have to die first, usually, it's the parents who die first". These were the words that hit me like a knife right then. I never expected to hear those words from grandfather, who, all the time, engaged in word-fights with mom. I grew up without a father, so, this leaves a deep impact on me. He then told me how he took care of my mom, giving her food, assisting her, making her drink medicine. The other painful story he has to tell were consoling words, like preparing myself for the worse, because the worst has yet to come. He sounds so sure that in no time mom will be taken away from us.
It was almost a couple of hours, and all I did was sit, stare, nod, sit,. stare nod until I muster the courage to go inside and greet my mom. This time she was already in the dining area. Sitting with her head resting on the peak of the back rest of the old metal chair, eyes closed, moaning slowly and breathing hard. I approached her slowly taking all in my mind what a dreary picture I see of her. The mom I used to have cold-war often, the mom who listens to my story as I arrived from the city, the mom who waits excitedly for the return of her daughter with presents, her smiles, the mom I pictured was no longer there. She was replaced by a tiny figure, with long greasy grey hair, a hollow face and hollow eyes. I called her, I tried to be brave, I take her bony hand in mine and brought it to my forehead. When she talked, she was catching her breath. It scared me, cause I can feel that the bones in her back are squeezing her heart making it difficult for her to speak. I've researched the illness and the harm it does to people, like my mom, if not treated, that's where my knowledge comes in. We talked for a while, no not a while, just a bit, just to let her see me. I told her to stay put and I'll just do something in the kitchen. But. the truth is, I can't stand seeing her move and accompanied by a painful moan, rather, shout, I just want her to sit like that.
I left her, I went to the store, I find comfort sitting on the old rocking chair still deep in my thoughts. Indeed, I was useless. I couldn't do anything. I have no money and all I wanted that time was to disappear. I wanted to go back to the city, I wanted to run and forget everything I saw. But I was there, and there's no turning back. I told myself that I'll return to the city at the crack of dawn on New Year's day. It was my final decision.
December 31, 2011 was the longest day of my life. After the decision I made. I decided to take a nap before doing something else. Yes, I still managed to take a nap, my eyes closed but my mind so far away, filled with scary and gloomy thoughts of what might soon to happen. I passed by her, told her I'd be taking a nap. I'm a light sleeper, I tried to listen to music so I cannot hear her moans, but as I decided to stop listening after a few hours, I heard her call my name. I went down and asked why, she asked me to ask grandmother if someone's looking for her. As I asked grandmother. She told me it was her high school friend, the one who funded her expensive check-up not so long ago. My temper aroused when she insisted on going out to met her friend.
And it happened, I changed her diaper, I wanted to yell at her and she was still able to make a joke out of it. Me changing an adult her diaper which should have been me changing the diaper of my child. LAME! but I couldn't be angry! I changed her clothes, too. I told her to stay and I will send someone to tell her friend to come at our house instead of her going. But as stubborn as I was, she did go. I let her and I didn't bother helping. I went to my bedroom and sleep until she returned. I just went down when it was already dark. By that time she was preparing to sleep. I went to the kitchen, get the stuff I brought from the city and started cooking. I talked with my brother. I talked with my grandmother who was lighthearted but with the deepest unexplainable pain in her eyes.
The night went by, we ate, while my mom was trying to doze off, constantly moaning in pain and breathing heavily. Grandfather added that he had many sleepless nights listening to my mom's moan because it scares him, whatever happens while he was fast asleep scares him. After dinner, I went to bed upstairs and will just wait for midnight to come. As midnight came, I went down, listen to my mom's breathing, I, too, was scared. My grandmother handed me a trumpet, it was quarter to midnight. My brother and grandfather were asleep which left me and grandmother to celebrate New Year together. I tried to smile and liven the atmosphere but my heart's too heavy and I felt numb still. After almost an hour, I ate little and decided to go to bed.
As I was lying in bed, I thought of many things which I cannot recall now. I cannot tell if I was able to really sleep but when I woke up I hurriedly pack my things and bid them goodbye. When I approached my mom, she wanted me to pull her legs so she can stand up, maybe she wanted to hug me that time, but I pretended that I cannot pull her, that she was too heavy, partly, it was true because seeing her made me weak. She stop insisting, she even wanted me to call grandfather to pull her, but I told her he was not close, so she gave up, instead I took her hand but I could not reach it well, so I was not able to bid her farewell formally. I was impatient, I wanted to leave the place as soon as possible. Before I could go she said one thing, she wanted me to send her money when I get my salary and I promised myself that I will really send her money.
For all the things I did in that brief stay which was not good makes me regretful today. If only! Yes! I had a feeling that it might be the last time in seeing her but I console myself saying that she's a strong woman and that she will recover from the illness soon. I was thinking, it was not fatal, even if I knew it was.
January 1, 2012 : I left home half-knowing that it might be the last encounter between me and my mother.
On new year's day, I left my mom hurting, in total pain and I did not even let her feel my presence. But on that day, I left with a heavy heart because I am a useless daughter who could not do anything for her dying mother.
Now, how do you think I feel?
All along, I wanted to feel fine. But, I'm not.
The beginning of the year was the last time I saw my mother breathing the same air with me. The last time she held my hands. The last time I saw her pale face. The last time.
The last time I have a mother, the last time she called me. The last time for everything between us.
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