on MARCO

I had my plans set before I went home today. I wanted to read in advance all the handouts that were given to us all this week. But every time I head for home there's a certain kind of heaviness that fills my soul. I know what it is and I can't find the exact words to totally describe it. I just wanted to write. I feel so alone in the room as of the moment and I can't help but cry again. Every morning when I woke up I felt fine but as the sun went down in the horizon the pain rushed back again. All the questions pop- up again like tiny bullets hitting me hard. I'm actually tired of repeating stories but I'm broken all over again with the man I thought who will value me as someone dear and special to his heart.

I met Marco at our sem- ender party at Casanova in Mango last Oct. 10. Honestly, like what I told my friends, I thought I'm just gonna make friends with him and no more no less but I never thought that I would eventually fall for that guy. I'm totally at lost for words when I talk about him. I can't tell why, how, when, what and where did I go wrong. Am I not enough? Why is every guy doing this to me? Why can't they tell me that we're better off as friends than left me hanging out of the blue, clueless of why all of a sudden they disappear in my life. And why can't I have the courage to ask that one question that will put an end to all my never ending mind- bugging wondering.

He's so near yet so far. I wanted to go to him. I wanted to see him. To embrace him one last time. To kiss him one last time. To say goodbye one last time. I wanted to dance again with him one last time. To hold his hand one last time. I wanted to tell him that I love him and no matter what it will stay forever that way. I wanted to see him write his name again on a tissue paper so I can keep it. I wanted to eat lunch with him again so I'll fall in love with him over and over again. I wanted to answer that puzzle again so I can look at him closely. I wanted to have my hanky back so I can sprinkle my perfume on it and hand it back to him so he can remember forever of how I smell when I'm with him. I wanted to ask him why?

Every time I smile and laugh I can feel my heart heave. I realize that no matter how I tried to hide the pain its still there waiting for my solitude so I can release it. Why can't I set it free? Am I really this type of girl whose so easy to get, according to one of my classmates?

maybe I am. Because I wanted to keep the guy in my life forever, I wanted him to stay, I wanted him to love me but what I realized that I keep on ignoring is the fact that I know that what I had been doing were wrong but I choose to ignore it because I thought it will work out this and that way.

I miss him. I do. I miss his smell. His embraces. His sense of humor, I don't care if all of it were lies! I miss him, everything about him. I wanted to curl on his lap and fall asleep. And if I choose to die right now because of this pain I wanted to die that way with him.

Shall I regret everything that happen between us? I'm afraid. So afraid of where to go after this. Will I be okay? How long will I stay like this? How long will I stay missing him? When will I forget him?

“ I used to live to be with him, now I live to see him one last time “.